


Fighting Fate

by e_addi



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, Genderbend, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-07-29 11:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7682374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_addi/pseuds/e_addi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘You know what? Screw the world.’ I thought as I glared at my left arm. My very red, very vein popping arm with a glowing green cross on the top of my hand. </p><p>‘Who the hell thought it was a good idea to let me reincarnate, dammit.’ I huffed in frustration and ran a hair through my now short dirty red hair.</p><p>‘I lived my damnable life,’ I glared in distaste at my red hair. ‘I don’t need to live another one… Especially as a bloody gender-bent version of freaking Allen Walker.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Disclamer: D.Gray-Man belongs to Hoshino Katsura
> 
> Rating: T. For now? It’ll bump up to M sooner or later as I go through whatever the hell I’ve got now.
> 
> Author’s Note: So I got sucked into DGM a couple of weeks ago and of course my current obsessions just had to mingle together and threw this monstrosity at me. I… have no idea where this will go. I don’t have a concrete plot for this. This is mostly things that got vomited out by my brain from college stress.  
> Don’t expect regular updates. I write when I feel like it and sometimes life gets in they way and sucks all my inspiration out of me. Forcing myself to write will just give you mediocre writing so… If you do like this, please bear with me and my very irregular updates. 
> 
> Also this thing wasn’t read through. I might go through it again, but if you spot any grammar or spelling errors please do tell me.

_‘You know what? Screw the world.’_ I thought as I glared at my left arm. My very red, very vein popping arm with a glowing green cross on the top of my hand.

‘ _Who the hell thought it was a good idea to let me reincarnate, dammit.’_ I huffed in frustration and ran a hair through my now short dirty red hair.

 _‘I lived my damnable life,’_ I glared in distaste at my red hair. ‘ _I **don’t** need to live another one… Especially as a bloody gender-bent version of freaking **Allen Walker.** ’_

Screaming in frustration, I stood up and kicked at the ground. This could not be happening. When people die, they were supposed to stay dead. And if they do wake up, it wasn’t supposed to be with all their damn memories. I was **not** supposed to wake up as a manga character of a series that hadn’t even finished yet.

 _‘I’d take getting reborn into bloody Naruto. At least that monster of a manga was over and done with.’_ I fumed, wanting nothing more than to scream my frustrations out and curse the world. _‘As much as I love the thought of living the riches of the late 19 th century, I’m an orphan with a Parasitic Innocence imbedded into my arm with a destiny that involves emotionally and physically scarring events.’_

Abruptly, I stopped and paled dramatically. Nea Walker. The Fourteenth. The Musician. The Noah that will take over my body sooner or later.

“Oh gods, no. Please, no.” I muttered as I shuddered in terror thinking of what I might have to go through in this life. I gripped at my arms, trying to subside my shivers and biting my lower lip in a bad habit that seemed to have been carried over. “I’m not Allen. I can’t do this. I can’t be what he was. Is. Will be. Whatever!” I threw her arms up in irritation.

Sighing, I lowered my arms and looked on dejectedly at the trees surrounding me. I was in the forest behind the orphanage I was currently living in. I didn’t know that Allen Walker had first lived in an orphanage before working in the circus and living with Mana Walker. But since I saw there were some kids over the age of 10 in the orphanage, I assumed they threw Allen out young. Probably because of his arm.

A rush of anger filled me at the thought. How dare they? To throw a little boy, no matter the defection of his arm into the cold world without the safety of a shelter was inhumane. I understood why they did it, of course. They didn’t know about Innocence and because of its appearance, they thought it was something from hell or Satan or whatever. It was within human nature to fear what they did not understand and it showed in her past life’s history.

Humans went to war with each other because they feared what they didn’t understand. They hated on what was different from them and scorned them with every excuse under the sun. Religion, race, gender, sexuality – everything. It was worse in the earlier centuries when equality and and emphasis on peace was practically non-existent.

‘ _And I now live in those earlier centuries. Where prejudice and blind devotion rules the sheep of the world.’_ She scoffed before shaking her head.

 _‘For now, I have to get ready. From the looks of things, the orphanage will be kicking me out soon.’_ I had seen the fearful looks the sisters of the orphanage wore and knew I wouldn’t have much time. There was only so long till their cowardly bravery ran out. _‘I am not joining the damn circus… Though I probably should?’_

I **really** didn’t want to get involved in the D.Gray-Man storyline. I may have the damnable Innocence, but I could maybe just get away with becoming a normal exorcist if she couldn’t avoid it. The Black Order would always be looking for people that can use Innocence and I knew I couldn’t avoid an organization that big for long. I was currently… 5? Maybe 6. And it wasn’t like I could do much in terms of surviving on my own. Especially since I was unfamiliar with how the world work in the current age.

I sighed, wondering if I shouldn’t just try to find the Earl and get killed so she wouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit. I shook her head at that. I wasn’t going to be a coward no matter how easy it would be.

 _‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.’_ I repeated the mantra that had been my saving grace as a depressed young adult in my last life. I knew her life was going to suck like hell from now on but I was going to push through it. I was going to keep on walking.

_‘…Oh god. I just quoted the series’ main lessons.’_

* * *

My mission started with trying to find a nice enough place to work in. I had found some old bandages in the cupboards of the orphanage and wrapped my entire left arm in it before going out.

_‘Sorry Crown Clown. You’re pretty cool but you are kind of an irritating asset right now.’_

So on I went, trying to find decent enough human beings that won’t turn me away at the sight of my arm. I knew my way around the kitchen and while it might be a bit harder being midget size, I would make it work. And if it didn’t, hopefully I could get away with some manual labour.

I had dressed myself in an old pair of pants and shirt I bribed out of an older orphan with my meagre share of food. With my roughly chopped hair, I looked like a boy. Which was good because a little girl wandering the streets was just asking for trouble.

So off I went, going from shop to shop trying to find a job and almost begging to tears. I sighed in frustration, trying to keep my tears at bay as the 8th shop I tried slammed the door in my face. I sniffled and grimaced as the feelings of shame, desperation and anger washed through me. I wanted to glare and screech at my Innocence riddled arm for not giving her a chance at a somewhat normal second life but held it in. I would work with the damn cards I was given, no matter how bad they were.

“Uh, little boy?” A hesitant voice called. I ignored it since I thought there was no way some one was calling me and continued to sniffle as I tried to get my emotions under control. Which was probably the reason why I jumped when someone laid a hand on my shoulder.

I twirled around quickly and saw a young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, carrying a small case alongside a duffle bag. He looked kindly with soft brown eyes and hair and was wearing a modest suit and trench coat. He knelt down in front of me and I backed away slightly, not sure if I could trust this man not to just grab and sell me or something.

The man smiled kindly as he held out a hand. I stared at it for a while, unsure what to do before turning my eyes to his face. He was fairly handsome, I mused. His appearance kind of reminded me of Osamu Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs for some reason.

“Why are you looking for a job, little one?” He asked kindly, his hand never dropping from its raised state in front of her.

I stared at the man warily, not sure if I should answer or not but I saw what might’ve been concern in his face and pursed my lips in thought. There really wasn’t any harm in telling this man why. He didn’t seem like a bad person. In fact, he… _felt_ different to the other people in this town. Nodding to myself, I answered him.

“I think the orphanage is going to kick me out soon… So I wanted to get a job and lodgings for myself so I won’t have to live in the streets.” I answered truthfully. Lies got you nowhere, only disappointment and a betrayal in trust.

The man tilted his head and his eye brows rose in shock. Whether it was because of my answer or because of how ridiculously articulate I was, I didn’t know. “Why would they want to kick you out?”

Pausing, I debated whether to answer or to just show him my arm. I might be misunderstood if I tried to explain because I really didn't know how to explain my arm without giving away that I knew what it was. And while he might freak out and hit me or something for it, I knew I was small and fast enough to get away and hide out for a while. So, I undid the bandages on my left arm and showed my Innocence to the man.

“…How… How did you get that…?” The man asked as he stared at my arm with a pale face.

I shrugged and muttered, “I was born with it.”

The man’s eyes narrowed and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing but prepared for the worst anyway and took a step back. That jolted him and he gave me a reassuring smile.

“It doesn’t bother me, really.” His smile widened. “You can’t help it if you were born with it…”

I blinked at the easy acceptance. This was something I expected out of people from the twenty first century, not from the people in this age. But I suppose there were exceptions to the rules in any age.

“Is your arm the reason people keep rejecting jobs for you?” He continued asking and I nodded as I rewrapped my bandages. He hummed for a bit and looked at the sky seemingly thinking. “What’s your name?”

I blinked and went through the short memories of this life, only now realizing that no one had really named me in this life. The sisters at the orphanage only called her _girl_ or _demon_. I _really_ didn’t want to keep the name Allen Walker… But completely erasing his presence in this world brought a heavy feeling of guilt inside of me. I had already taken over his life, though I had decided to try to not follow the damn storyline that sought to bring Allen Walker to his knees in grief. Did I really want to fully erase Allen Walker’s presence in this world?

… God I really felt guilty about this even though it wasn’t even my bloody fault I was reincarnated into Allen freaking Walker.

“…Ellen.” I compromised, grimacing at following the many gender bent fanfiction’s butchering of Allen’s name. But it was the best I could come up with right now.

“Well then, Ellen. How about you accompany me as an aide of sorts…” He blinked, as if only now just processing my name. “Wait, Ellen? As in a girl?”

I blinked, a little amused that I forgot I was wearing boys’ clothes and at the offer he made. “Yes.”

“Oh god I didn’t even notice, I’m so sorry!” He blurted out, clearly flustered. “I shouldn’t have even said that, I am–” He was cut off.

“It’s fine!” I exclaimed, blushing a little when he startled and stared at me. “I mean. I really do need a job and a place to stay…”

His eyes crumpled in compassion and an easy smile. “If you want to follow me… I don’t exactly live here. I’m a travelling violinist so… We won’t stay in one place for very long…”

I shook my head quickly. “I don’t mind. I really do want to get out of this place… And if I’m with you here, you might not be able to find a place to play in… I’ll hide my arm when we leave, though. So no one will know.”

I saw a flash of concern and what seemed like anger before a slightly strained smile made its way to his lips. “That… You can leave the bandages off with me. But yes. I’m sorry but it might be better if you hid that arm…”

I smiled at him genuinely. “It’s okay. Humans fear what they don’t understand. So I know even if it’s unfair, that’s the way life is.”

The man blinked. “You sure a wise little girl.” He mused. “My name is Nathan, by the way. It’s nice to meet you, Ellen.”

I beamed at Nathan. “It’s nice to meet you… And I look forward to working for you, Mr. Nathan!”

 


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been a little over a half a year since Nathan picked me up as his aide. He mostly taught me to clean and maintain his violin as well as how to take care of both of our clothes. He had bought me a few dresses but mostly shirts and pants to hide my gender. It was after all, inappropriate for a young girl to be accompanying an unrelated older man. It was amusing to see him so flustered and regretful that I couldn’t dress as my correct gender around him even after all of my reassurance that I was fine with cross dressing. He even taught me how to play the violin.

I was apparently a natural at it.

Which honestly terrified me more than anything else when I somehow managed to play a non screeching tune on the first try. I knew I couldn’t play the violin for the life of me in my past life and the fact that I could play somewhat decently in this life?

In this body that The Musician of the Noah would reincarnate into?

It scared me right down to my bones at the thought that Nea might be influencing my ability to play instruments. While it really was cool that I could now play several different instruments without even learning how to, it was a reminder of what I would have to go through in the future if I couldn’t avoid Nea, the Noah or the Black Order.

_‘Fate has a strange way of messing with the important people_.’ I had thought after the realization. I dearly hoped I wouldn’t get involved in this Holy War or whatever it was that was happening. It was bad enough I didn’t stay dead after dying in a bloody car crash of all things at the height of my life.

This realization that I may never be able to escape my fate with Nea led me to wonder if I could even change anything. I mean, it’s obvious I’ve already change _something_ because I didn’t end up in a circus to meet Mana. But will this change anything? I’ve read enough fanfiction both good and bad in my last life to know that things could either go so wayward that I can’t predict what will happen with what I know or it could rigidly stick to the storyline no matter what I change.

It was a scary thought, the fact that even though Ellen and Allen Walker were two different people, that it would change nothing. There was no concrete proof that it would stay the same but at the same time…

There was a chance that whatever I _did_ change would lead to even worse outcomes.

That was the most worrying thing. At the very least if things stayed close to canon, I’d be able to _maybe_ be prepared for what’s to come. I might even be able to avoid meeting that guardian of the heart, Apochyros-something? I have no idea what that thing’s name is. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I _knew_ I couldn’t escape the Noah Family. But damn if I won’t try my hardest to avoid them.

Travelling with Nathan has been a mixture of hope and fear. I didn’t have the best of relationships with my parents or my sister. My brothers and I got along but we were never really close. I had always felt like a stranger in my own house in my past life and it wasn’t until I had gone to college that I started to feel comfortable with not having a family to support me emotionally.

It was one of the things I absolutely loathed about being reborn. After harrowing years of emotional turmoil with my non-existent relationship with my parents and the depression that followed because I had always thought I wasn’t good enough for them, I had finally been able to stand on my own two feet. I had finally just gotten over my thoughts of not needing my family to be myself. Getting that taken away was… _unfair_. I’ve already struggled through life, am I supposed to go through that again?

Being with Nathan… brought me a whole lot of envy. He treated me like he would family. He cared, he hovered, he panics over the littlest thing, wanting me to be as comfortable as I could be with him. Whenever I got quiet, thinking about this new life I’m living in, he’d always try to butt in, try to get me to talk and try to cheer me up. It wasn’t something I was used to, having someone worry so much about me. I started wondering if I had been missing out on what a family could mean for me if this is how Nathan, a perfectly good guy acted with a stranger kid he picked up on a whim.

It… kind of made me wonder why he did it. Was it because he was just that nice of a person? Or maybe I reminded him of someone? Maybe he had a little sister too somewhere and wanted to take me along to remember her?

There were so many possibilities and after six months… It scared me to know the answer.

For now, I’ve settled into a fairly comfortable life with Nathan. We would move into a hotel in a town and he would find a venue to play at while I took care of sorting our belongings and finding something light for us to eat. Then when Nathan returned from a fruitful day of being booked to play at events or bars and restaurants for money, we’d eat and he’d teach me a few songs to play on the cheap little violin he bought me 3 months into travelling with him. He would then teach me Latin.

Which was amazing because I had always wanted to be multilingual and now I can say that I am. English and Japanese in my past life and Latin in my current life? It gave me the idea that since I’ve got more time in this world, I could learn _even more_ languages. I’ve always wanted to learn more but time was such a restrictive thing to have back then. I really wanted to learn Italian and French. Mostly because of past media influences but _still_.

Learning a new language! Being able to understand people who speak different languages! That was cool!

It was difficult of course. Trying to fit in a whole new language into my brain. I knew how hard it could be when I learned Japanese in my past life. But my motivation was there so I ploughed through my lessons with Nathan, which was awesome because self-learning Japanese was a pain and a half and having a teacher would always help loads. It was a big plus when he told me that learning Latin first would help me learn Italian and French later on because the Romance Languages were derivatives of Latin.

There was also the problem of how girls were treated in this century. Nathan insisted that even though I would be cross dressing most of the time, I should learn proper lady etiquette. And while I didn’t mind this much because I knew how important it was, it really did still piss me off that women were still held to a different standard here. I’ve probably already caused Nathan a few white hairs with my independency. I didn’t like it when he tried to decide things for me and I knew he found it both frustrating and endearing because he would always sigh and give into me anyway no matter how much we argued.

Other than that, life was pretty much smooth sailing. Which both made me happy and anxious. I was probably jinxing myself but I couldn’t help but feel like everything was going to go down hill sooner or later. It honestly probably will but I couldn’t help but hope it wasn’t.

With the world I was reborn in, absolutely _anything_ could happen. I really hope no one was going to die. Whether that be me or Nathan. I have gotten fond of the older man. He was always so kind and sweet. He was one of the few truly good people in the world. I always thank my lucky stars that I managed to meet him. I hoped to god nothing will happen to him because of me. I knew death and sorrow were inevitable in this kind of world but I _hoped._

Life was good. It wasn’t _great_. My arm and my ability to play instruments will always foreshadow the life I might have to go through. But I hope nothing devastating will change the way my life was going _now_.

* * *

_When life gives you lemons, you should probably just run the hell away._ I thought as Nathan brought me to a circus in town. He said that I was ‘such a serious little girl, you need more fun in your life other than the violin’. Which was very hypocritical of him because _he_ didn’t need to have any other sort of entertainment other than playing his violin. I told him so and in revenge he shoved me into a frilly light blue dress that ended just above my ankles, tied my short hair into a side pony tail and dragged me out of the inn we were staying in.

I was pouting. I know I was. I didn’t want to go near _any_ circus. The possibility of meeting Mana Walker was high if I hung around circuses at this age and I didn’t want any chance of being dragged into the D.Gray-Man storyline. But of _course_ Nathan thought I was being anti-social and dragged me to the circus no matter how much I protested.

Also, I hate clowns. Okay, well I don’t hate them but they creep me out like _hell_. I dearly hoped I wouldn’t bump into any clowns or Mana Walker but my hopes and dreams and everything in between were slashed up and burned away when we entered the tent and was greeted by a familiar red clown suit that belonged to one Mana Walker.

I was screwed.

The circus was fairly entertaining, despite my inner hyperventilation. Watching the circus act while amusing, didn’t really make me laugh as Nathan had hoped. I was too preoccupied with the thought of meeting Mana here. Nathan kept bugging me about the circus act of course. And I dimly remembered that Mana was the type to bug Allen about things too.

Actually, now that I thought about it. Mana and Nathan shared a few things in common. Their persistence and kindness as well as their accepting nature. Nathan of course spoke more informally with me but I remembered that Mana spoke formally almost all the time. It was a bit unnerving, finding those kinds of similarities between them, but I brushed it off. Some people shared similar traits but they weren’t the same people. Not even twins were the same people.

After the show, I dazedly let Nathan pull me along everywhere that I didn’t notice when he had let go of my hand and I found myself somewhere at the back of the circus. I huffed in frustration at my guardian and turned to walk around till I found him.

That’s when I saw an adorable little dog wearing a clown collar and a small top hat. I cooed and kneeled beside it, slowly giving out my right hand. The dog sniffed at me a little before deeming me good and licking my hand. I laughed and pet the dog’s head. I loved dogs. I never had the opportunity to own one in my last life but I remember playing with my friend’s dogs and puppies and they were so lovably adorable.

“It looks like Allen likes you a lot,”

I jumped at the voice and turned around, finding _bloody Mana Walker_ standing behind me. I wanted to screech but held it in as I stood up quickly and apologized. Mana laughed joyously while my heart hammered. This man’s death was the reason Allen Walker became an exorcist. This man is the one who taught Allen to keep walking forward. Then a long lost thought came to me.

This man was apparently half of the Millenium Earl?

I didn’t know what to do or say so I just… stood there and watched as Mana fed the dog. There seemed no signs of the Earl that I knew to be insane and wanted to create Akuma to eradicate the human race. All I saw right now was a joyous if somewhat sad clown feeding a much beloved pet.

“You have a very complicated face, little girl,”

I jumped at being addressed and found two pairs sad droopy eyes looking at me. “Such a pretty little girl shouldn’t have such a complicated face! Why don’t you give this old clown an old smile?” He chortled.

My lips twitched but I didn’t outright smile. The clown sighed and quickly turned his back to me. I watched curiously as he seemingly whispered to the dog and fidgeted with something. Then he turned to me, his tongue hanging out and eyes in different directions and the dog doing the same.

I snorted and snickered at the sight. It really was difficult to remember that this man could be the Millenium Earl with him acting like this with such a human face. I knew he acted like a fool most of the time but seeing a humanoid face and not that cartoonish fat façade made Mana seem a bit more… human?

Something like that.

“Ellen!”

Both the dog and myself perked up at the call and I swerved to find Nathan frantically running towards me. I heard myself giggle a little at the image he portrayed. Nathan had always been super OCD towards his appearance, wanting to appear as a somewhat decent gentleman. So seeing him so dishevelled brought both amusement and a little guilt to me. He must’ve been really worried about me if he didn’t even bother to fix his appearance.

“Where did you go?!” He shouted, worry clearly clouding his voice as his hands grabbed at my shoulders and he started checking me over.

I immediately felt even more guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn't notice when you let go of me and I lost track of you…” I trailed off, not really sure what else to say. I always did suck at apologizing to people.

Nathan sighed but pulled me into a hug. “It’s fine. It’s my fault as well, I shouldn’t have let go of you in the crowd.”

I had stiffened a little because I didn’t expect Nathan to hug me. He had never been much of the affectionate sort. Sure, he did hair ruffles here and there but he’s never outright hugged me before. Slowly, I relaxed and wrapped my small arms up his side, gripping at his coat.

“’m sorry, Nathan…” I mumbled into his chest, feeling like I was drowning in guilt and I could feel the beginning of tears in my eyes.

“Now, now!” A cheerful voice interrupted us. “Shed those frowns or turn them around! There’ll be no frowny lines in this circus!” Mana cheered as he started juggling and the dog started balancing itself on a ball.

Nathan and I blinked and stared before bursting out laughing at the clown. Mana did a few more tricks for us before Nathan finally got a hold of himself and asked him to stop.

“Thank you so much for keeping my little sister company.” Nathan smile joyfully at Mana.

My eyes widened at his words and I turned my head to him and smiled slightly when he smiled warmly at me. Even though I likened Nathan to an older brother, I never really considered him as such. But here he was, claiming me as a little sister. I felt… _giddy_. I didn’t have a family in this life. And the family I had in my last life… We didn’t have the best of relationships. But I cared for Nathan, I realized. In the months we’ve been travelling, I’ve started to let Nathan into my heart. I got attached to this travelling violinist who took me in when I had no where to go.

It left me feeling so overjoyed at maybe finally having a family I could bond with. But it also left me feeling terrified for the future.

* * *

It was a couple of days later that Nathan and I came back to the circus. We were leaving town soon and I wanted to say good bye to Mana and little Allen. I flushed in mortification because I had completely forgotten that Allen Walker had been named after Mana’s dog. I knew my memory wasn’t great. And I knew I would forget the smaller details as time passed on but it was still a bit frustrating.

How was I supposed to plan for things if I couldn’t remember them? I could try to write them down but I didn’t want to risk Nathan finding it. I didn’t know enough of Latin or remember much of Japanese to write them down. Trying to write it all in code would be troublesome and time consuming and with Nathan not wanting to leave me on my own for more than a few hours, would be impossible.

The most I could do is hope my memory wouldn’t deteriorate too much and I could still remember important events as I got older. I don’t think I would ever forget about Nea with the constant reminders I had but it was the smaller things that didn’t have a direct connection with the Noah inside me that I worried about forgetting. There was no telling at this point of time if I would be involved in future events or I would somehow manage to successfully avoid it.

Right now though, it seems like fate really wanted me to follow in Allen Walker’s footsteps because Nathan and I stumbled upon Mana kneeling down in front of a newly finished grave.

I knew it would happen. I knew that the little doggy Allen would die but… Seeing it now, I wished I could have done something. I didn’t know what exactly killed doggy Allen but I knew it died cruelly.

I felt Nathan lay a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. Probably in comfort. After all, I had gushed about how cute doggy Allen was for the last couple of days. Watching Mana kneel in front of the grave made me wonder if he truly felt this lost.

There were several theories going around on who ‘Allen’ really was in my past life. The series was incomplete after all and it was only recently that it was implied that there could be a completely different ‘Allen’ involved in the storyline. One of my favoured ones was of ‘Allen’ being a dear friend to Mana and Nea and when ‘Mana’ supposedly went insane after Nea’s death, he had picked up a dog and named him ‘Allen’ after his friend.

I wondered if Mana was sane enough to realize what was going on.

I shook my head from depressing thoughts. I could think about it later. When we weren’t in front of a grave of a very much beloved dog.

I came forward till I was beside Mana and knelt down beside him, clasping my hands in a prayer. It wasn’t that I believed in God or anything. But I felt like I should wish for a safe journey? And hope that doggy Allen won’t ever find himself awake again in another world like I did. I didn’t know if reincarnation included animals, but it could be possible.

“My, my~ Aren’t you a kind one?” Mana mused in an amused tone.

“I don’t really believe in God at this point. But if there is one, it’ll hopefully have enough mercy to not let it suffer more in death,” I muttered as I turned to him. “What was its name?”

“Allen.” Mana replied. I heard Nathan shuffle back and I assumed he probably went somewhere to give us privacy. Why he would, I have no idea. But I guess he thought I wanted to grieve for the dog I never really got to know.

We stayed in silence for a bit more before I awkwardly started talking. “Aren’t you sad?”

“I’m so sad I wanna die.” Mana replied and I spun my head to see him hanging from the tree with a rope around his neck.

My eyes widened in alarm. “What the hell are you doing?!” I cried, standing up quickly and raised my hands reaching for him. I stopped though, because I had no idea what to do in this situation and Mana had already released himself anyway.

“You see, I can’t cry. I wonder if I’ve exhausted all my tears.”

I froze.

This conversation… It’s the same conversation Allen had with Mana the first time they met when he was still Red. Oh dear god, please tell me this isn’t happening.

I swallowed, suddenly feeling awfully heavy and awkward. “What… What happened…?”

It was silent for a couple of moments before Mana turned to me, squishing his cheeks together making a ridiculous face chanting ‘Doesn’t matter! Doesn’t matter!”

I twitched, highly tempted to throw a rock at the clown. “If you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine! Just stop making that kind of face!” I yelled, turning the other way and scanning the area for Nathan. I saw him throwing an amused look at me from the corner of a tent and scowled at him.

I heard joyful laughter from behind me then a large hand ruffling my hair. I squawked in protest and turned around to berate the man but stopped short when I saw Mana’s expression.

The only thing I could say about it was that it looked absolutely heart breaking.

“You two doing all right there?” I jumped a little at Nathan’s voice, still a little daunted.

“Y-Yeah.” I replied and Mana cheerfully agreed with me.

Nathan eyed us dubiously but nodded in acceptance. “So I’m guess you’re not going to stay with this circus any longer?”

“Hmm yes, probably. I make more money working as a travelling clown anyway.” Mana mused, twirling a little.

“We’re leaving as well.” Nathan smiled. “Why not leave together? It’s more fun to travel with more people anyway. And maybe you can help me shove some manners into her.” He joked, ruffling my hair.

“I’m perfectly polite.” I huffed, even though I was half-way panicking inside. Travelling with Mana? Is this the world’s way of saying there’s nothing I can do to change my fate?

“Hmm, well the more the merrier I suppose.” Mana hummed with a nod. “And manners are important, little girl.” He smiled and I _swear_ I saw a hint of sadistic amusement in his eyes.

_‘Joy.’_ I thought depressingly at the thought of _two_ people trying to shove etiquette down my throat. _‘Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mana is such a difficult character to write. There isn’t much material given on his personality as Allen’s father figure so I took some liberties. On the other hand, creating Nathan was a joy. I didn’t realize how similar his personality was to Mana until I got to the part where they met lol. Complete accident but I’m not going to change it now. 
> 
> There’s gonna be a whole lot of family fluff in the next chapter. If you’ve got a particular idea for family scenes between Mana, Nathan and Ellen please do tell me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a DGM imagines blog over on tumblr so head on over? URL is imaginethedgm at tumblr dot com. Shoot me a headcanon or scenario ask!
> 
> Bit of a surprise but not a crossover people. I just didn’t want to make too many OCs and the two animanga were in similar timelines so… heh.

Awkward did not even begin to describe my current situation. Exasperating, however did.

A long time ago, back in my first life and the first time I read through D.Gray-Man and before the cluster fuck that is Mana and Nea being two halves of the Millenium Earl, my perception of Mana was an old man who liked to make fun of Allen and cared for him deeply. I thought he was a mature man that just liked teasing his hard-assed stubborn adopted son.

_How wrong I was._

“Don’t you look adorable! She looks like a mini you, Nathan!” Mana cooed as I flushed in deep embarrassment.

Mana Walker was a shameless doting parent. And Nathan, the traitor, was bloody _encouraging_ him. I was now wearing an identical suit to what Nathan usually wore to his gigs, which was basically a fully white lounge suit with dark grey accents. My hair that normally fell straight was somehow wavy, matching Nathan’s own hair. How the hell Mana managed that, I have absolutely no idea. The thought of him actually remembering how to use whatever version of magic this world had to style my hair was ridiculous but with what I know of Mana now, not unimaginable.

It’s been a couple of months since we left the town we met Mana in. Even though I had fully expected Mana to leave at some point, he had dutifully followed wherever Nathan had decided to go. Right now we were in Norwich, following an invitation by one of Nathan’s friends. His friend had asked to catch up while he was still in town and to maybe play a few songs for them.

Mana had followed us too, not that Nathan minded since he seemed perfectly happy to have someone who wasn’t six to talk to. He seemed to find Mana’s way of communication which mostly consists of either teasing me or speaking in riddles and quotes vastly entertaining.

The fact that Mana seemed to be able to guilt trip me into obeying social niceties of the late 19th century probably had Nathan worshipping the clown’s feet. Also side note: Mana has devastating puppy eyes. I am _weak_.

Anyway, Nathan’s friend had invited us to join them for dinner as well, so we were all dressed up to the nines. Mana had thought it would be better for me to dress as a boy for now since we didn’t have anything to cover my left arm with that would be appropriate with the fancy dresses Nathan had insisted on buying for me. I was just grateful I could put off wearing the monstrosities of late 19th century fashion. As a modest 20th century dresser, the… bump thing that’s required on all dresses ladies wore in this age was ridiculous. Why the hell would you need a wired bump at your back? I mourned the loss of modern fashion and was forever thankful I still had a few more years before I was subjected to the ridiculous fashion of the current age.

Nathan was for some reason devastated he forgot to buy me gloves to cover my arm. I tried not to pay attention to his mutterings of how much he had wanted my first appearance in front of his friends to be as a girl. It was nice though, to know that Nathan wanted to show me off. Even if it was mildly annoying.

My thoughts wandered as we walked our way out of the inn and into the prepared carriage that would take us to the large mansion at the edge of the town. Somehow, Mana had ended up travelling with Nathan and I. I wondered if this was fate’s way of saying that there were things that could and could not be change? Was my meeting with Mana inevitable after all? Even if I had been able to out stubborn Nathan out of going to the circus, would I have eventually stumbled upon Mana? What sort of change will Nathan’s presence in Mana’s life bring?

I shivered in dread at the thought and I felt Mana pull me closer to him, probably thinking I was cold. I smiled lightly at him when he rubbed my head gently, my thoughts in a state of disarray. This kind, gentle, irritatingly doting man was also the person who created Akuma. I wondered what really happened to Mana and Nea? Things were still left unfinished when I had died and I was never one to remember the littlest details. I must be missing something here because the man I’ve gotten to know for the past few months did not resemble the Millenium Earl in any way.

Mana was an infinitely gentle person with me. He was a little closed off with Nathan at first but that had diminished slightly after the first few weeks. For some reason, it felt like he was… resettling? Like he was getting used to something he was used to before. I wondered if Mana could somehow sense Nea inside of me. He had been so exceedingly comfortable with me from the start. Instead of being closed off physically like I had expected of Mana, he had hugged me quite a few times already and seemed to enjoy playing with my hair.

He also liked seeing me cross dress, getting something like a faraway look in his eyes that Nathan always had to bring him out of. It made me wonder just how much Mana remembered of himself and Nea. It also made me wonder if Mana had known Allen. It was obvious even though I was a girl that I looked like this mysterious friend of Nea. So when Mana looks at me when I cross dress, did he somehow remember Allen?

“Where did your mind wander off to, Ellen?” Nathan’s voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to him.

Nathan was smiling at me with a gentle look in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking about but somehow I really didn’t like it. It felt like Nathan was trying to embed me into his memories. Like he was afraid of forgetting me. I forced a smile on my lips, hoping it would make that look go away but the look stayed and I struggled to keep the smile on my face.

“Nowhere. Just wondering how long it’ll take us to get there,”

Mana hummed and peered through the curtains of the carriage. “If where we’re going is a rather large mansion up the road surrounded by white rose bushes, I say we’re already there.”

Nathan snorted. “White roses this time, huh?” He muttered under his breath. I looked at him curiously and he just smiled widely at me. I huffed just as the carriage came to a stop.

The carriage door was opened for us and Nathan stepped out first, turning around to offer me a hand. I took it, thinking I would step down on my own but Nathan was having none of that and took another hand to my waist and _carried_ me out of the carriage. I squeaked in surprised and glared at a forever smiling Nathan. Mana followed after me with a chuckle.

“Nathan, old friend!” A deep voice called out jovially and our group turned to the entrance of the beautiful mansion we had arrived at.

A man around Nathan’s age, maybe a little older waved enthusiastically. His face light with joy and gave me the impression of someone who enjoyed the little things in life. His hair was a light blond, the sides swept back and the top curled back. He had a light beard going on that probably made him look older than he actually was.

“Finn! It’s good to see you again!” Nathan greeted back, fast walking forward and giving the man a firm handshake and pat on the shoulder. Mana and I quietly followed him. I curiously peered into the open door behind the man, Finn. It looked as extravagant as I suspected. Clean wallpapered walls, lush carpets and ornate decorations. Nathan was friends with someone as rich as a noble? Or was this guy actually a noble?

“Oh, and who are these two?” Finn asked, finally noticing us.

“This is Mana, someone I met and befriended in my travelling. And this,” Nathan paused to kneel beside me and place his hands on my shoulders. “Is Ellen. Forgive her dressing, we didn’t exactly have much time to purchase a dress for her… And it was safer for her to cross dress as she was travelling with me.”

I honestly didn’t expect Nathan to blow the fact I was a girl so soon. He had always introduced me as ‘Allen’ after we met Mana and I started going out into town with him or Mana more. When I had asked, he didn’t answer of course. Nathan just looked at Mana sadly, leading me to believe he thinks that calling me Allen sometimes would maybe help Mana.

I didn’t really appreciate it but Mana _had_ been getting a bit more cheerful than he was when he started travelling with us. And honestly, seeing the man look so desolate was maddening. I didn’t understand how Allen had missed it. But I suppose as a child he wouldn’t notice just how emotionally turbulent Mana actually was.

“She’s a bit of a day dreamer, huh?”

I suddenly found Nathan’s friend right in front of my face and squeaked back. They laughed and I blushed in mortification. So what if I got lost in my thoughts some times?! I had a lot to think about!

“She gets lost in her thoughts almost all the time and gets such a complicated face. Little ladies should enjoy her present time, Ellen.” Mana teased me and I felt my face getting hotter.

I scowled at Mana, though with my age, it was probably a pout. I was proven right when the men around me laughed and I pouted harder.

“Oh dear, it’s rude to laugh at young ladies without even inviting them in, Finn!” A soft voice chastised from inside the mansion. I looked up and saw a pretty lady with gorgeous sky blue eyes and platinum blonde hair tied up in a tight, neat bun at the large entrance way. She had a very kind looking face and I knew I would immediately like her. Especially when she started pinching Nathan and Finn’s ears hard as she reprimanded them.

“Honestly! Both of you were raised as gentlemen, most would think you would have _some_ semblance of manners!”

“Sweetheart, please do let go! It hurts!” Finn winced as Nathan just chuckled through his grimace.

The lady huffed before letting them go. Nathan and Finn rubbed their ears, trying to sooth the pain as she came forward and gave me her hand.

“Hello, little lady,” She smiled widely as I accepted her hand and she started pulling me inside the mansion. “My name is Eleanor Nevill. Marchioness of Abergavenny.”

I was so startled by her title, I stumbled a bit in my steps. The only thing that kept me from falling was her firm grasp on my hand. I looked at her, feeling very bewildered much to her amusement.

“Did Nathan not tell you who we were, little lady?” She asked, silently eyeing the man with a raised eyebrow. Nathan merely shrugged with a sheepish smile as he guided a curious Mana inside.

“Um, no?” I replied. “I’m Ellen, my lady.” I introduced myself, tacking on the last bit when I remembered Mana’s lessons on how to address nobles.

I saw a sparkle in the sky blue eyes and a bright smile dominated her face in an instant.

“Such manners!” She cooed. “At least Nathan did _something_ right. Call me Aunt Eleanor, Ellen. You’re practically family now.” She teased out the last bit, smiling mischievously at Nathan. “It’s not everyday the great Earl of Phantomhive picks up a little girl off the streets after all.”

I blinked at her. Then turned to Nathan who was starting everywhere but at me. Then I turned to an extremely amused Mana and Finn who looked like he was two seconds from collapsing on the floor laughing. Then I turned back to Eleanor.

“I have an idiot for a guardian, Aunt Eleanor.” I said seriously, still feeling flabbergasted at the turn of events and completely ignoring Nathan’s squawk of protest and the others laughter.

My mind was _racing_ with the new information. Nathan was an Earl. He was a bloody _noble._ Why on earth would a noble become a travelling violinist, let alone pick up a stray kid on a whim? Why wasn’t he where he was supposed to be doing whatever it was a noble of the late 19 th century did?

“There will be time for you to think _later_ , little lady,” Eleanor chastised me with a smile as she pulled me along to follow after Finn whom had taken the lead to what I assumed was either the dining hall. “For now, we shall feast and perhaps I can get you into one of the old dresses around here. A little lady should dress appropriately, after all!”

She had an unholy gleam as she said this and I shuddered at the possibility of becoming a human doll for her to dress up. Glancing at a very amused Mana and a slightly guilty Nathan, I knew I wasn’t going to get any help from them.

* * *

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a noble?” I asked Nathan the next morning.

It had been a long, exhausting night. After a rather amiable dinner filled with light chatter as Nathan caught up with his friends and Mana and I sampling delicious food, Nathan had left to talk with Finn. We were left in the gracious hands of Eleanor who proceeded to stuff me into varying dresses that she had deemed cute. Mana had entertained her by styling my hair according to the lady’s wishes that would suit the dress I was wearing at the time. There _was_ a bit of a pause in the beginning when Eleanor saw my left arm, but she merely eyed me with a strange glint that I couldn’t make heeds of last night as she had whirled me into a dress before I could say anything about it.

She had kept quiet about it, even if there were times during the night she would lightly brush her fingers over my Innocence arm and stare at me almost forlornly. It made me wonder if Eleanor knew what my arm really was. But it also served to remind me I had been somewhat ignoring what my arm implied for my future.

Don’t get me wrong, Mana’s constant presence was a blaring reminder of what I might not be able to avoid. But Mana was a reminder of the _Millenium Earl_. He _is_ the Millenium Earl, though I believed he didn’t know that himself right now. I remembered vaguely that the Millenium Earl had no recollection of ever raising Allen, so maybe he either _forgot_ or something else had happened between Mana’s death and Allen turning him into an Akuma.

But Crown Clown is an Innocence. A Parasitic Innocence that was in my arm. I knew I couldn’t avoid Akuma forever because Innocence was like a beacon to them. I knew that one day I had to learn to use it. But I kept denying it. I knew what was inevitable but I couldn’t help but want to just _get rid of it_. I didn’t want to have to do anything with Crown Clown. I didn’t want to be part of _any_ war let alone a bloody Holy War that’s been going on for thousands of years.

I was a nearly 30-year-old woman stuck in a child’s body. I had a life I was taken away from abruptly after I had finally been comfortable – _content_. I had been at the height of my life, I had finally been able to _truly_ enjoy life.

And it was all taken away in an instant.

I shook my head, getting rid of those thoughts. There was a time and place for everything and right now wasn’t the time to contemplate on my own self pity. I turned my eyes towards Nathan who was cleaning his violin silently. Mana had opted to sleep in a different room tonight. Whether or not he felt like he needed to give us privacy, I would probably never know. But I was grateful that he wasn’t here.

I had come to care deeply for Nathan. He was like an older brother to me, albeit a slightly annoying one sometimes. But he was good to me. Sometimes I think he was _far_ too good for me. He had after all chosen to care for a little girl he knew nothing of on a whim. I had never really asked him why he had chosen to take care of me. Part of me was afraid of the answer I would receive.

Nathan had somehow burrowed himself so deeply in my heart this past few months without me noticing. Starting from that point when he called me his little sister in front of Mana, I started to rely on him more. I started to childishly hold onto his hand when we walked, to clap excitedly when he played a cheerful tune, to cherish the moments when he ruffled my hair, kissed my forehead or pulled me close for a hug.

I loved Nathan. He was the older brother I had always wanted and now that I _had him–_.

I never wanted to lose him. I never even want to _think_ of the possibility that I could lose Nathan somehow. I hadn’t realized how much I had craved for _family_. For people that would love me unconditionally because they were someone we thought of as _siblings_. I never had that kind of bond with my first siblings. We were never so close. Never as close as I was to Nathan. I never knew their favourite foods or colours like I knew Nathan’s. I never knew they didn’t like wearing bright colours like I knew Nathan didn’t like wearing black.

But did I really, truly know _Nathan?_ I didn’t even know he had a last name until last night! Maybe it was my fault that I never asked him, but wasn’t your name – your full name something you would tell people when you first met them? Why would Nathan not tell me, even after almost a year of travelling together?

“Nathan?” I called to him again, wanting him to answer me.

“I never liked my last name,” He suddenly said and I startled.

I blinked at him, confused. He had stopped rubbing the cloth on the back of the violin, instead staring at it with almost narrowed eyes. I stayed silent, biting my lips in nervousness. After what felt like forever, he raised his eyes to me and I could see the raw pain in usually warm chocolate.

“My last name… it wasn’t really mine. I was a street rat… an orphan. I didn’t have a family. But this family name came with a lot of responsibility. Responsibility that I didn’t want,” He started. “The Phantomhives… They were a family drenched in the darkness of the world. They were everything I hated when I was a kid. Noble, rich, strong, ruthless. But then…” He trailed off, his eyes gaining a hazy sheen. Like he was remembering something from the past.

“But then, a hand was offered to me. A gloved hand attached to a man who was consumed in hatred and vengeance. His name was Lord Ciel Phantomhive, Earl of Phantomhive and the Queen’s Watchdog.” Nathan smiled bitterly at this as he put the violin down into its case, his hand clutching the rag he had been using to clean it. “There is always a darkness to every society, Ellen. And the Phantomhives dealt with that darkness for the Queen. It didn’t matter what it took, so long as that darkness never reached the crown then the Phantomhives would do it.”

Never. _Never_ in all my life, either in this one or the last would have prepared me for this. I knew that not everything in the world was fine and dandy. Not even in the twenty first century. There was the Italian mafia, the Chinese triads, the Russian mobs. There was the _Underworld_. A world that I had thought I would never get caught up in and now…

I watched wide eyed as Nathan slowly stood from where he was to kneel in front of me, leaving the rag on the table, left rumpled from his grip. His hands came up and gently laid them on my shoulders, not quite gripping but not quite firm enough. As if… As if he was afraid of touching me…

“I hate my last name,” He started again, his voice soft and I could practically hear the pain in it. “It was the name of the man that did horrible things for the Queen… and the name of the man that gave me a family. Ciel had many regrets but he did not want to regret everything in his life. He wasn’t the best father, but he tried his best. He was awkward at showing affection but never failed to remind me that it was his own whims and choices that led to my adoption.” Nathan’s smile was so _heartbreakingly_ sad. As if thinking of this Ciel brought him the most unimaginable pain to him. “So I became both salvation and damnation for him. I saved his humanity when he had to raise and take care of me. And I became his damnation when he chose me over his duty.

“The name Phantomhive killed the closest thing I had to a father. It broke the heart of the closest thing I had to a mother and fractured the family that had gathered under its name.” His hands on my shoulders gripped me lightly now. Not enough to hurt me but enough that I could feel the pressure. His eyes were hazy again and I knew I saw tears in them. “It was a chain that held me down, a chain that wanted to force me into the dark mould of Earl Phantomhive… But at the same time it was the name the only family I had known had banded together.

“My mother… She took the Watchdog’s name in honour of my father and to protect me, even for just a little longer she said. But I couldn’t bear to leave her to handle the society that took her fiancée so I helped in anyway I could,” His smile turned bitter at this. “I used the violin, the one thing that Ciel had enjoyed teaching me to gather information to give to her.”

It was quiet for a moment as I tried to digest what he was telling me. I knew he was glossing over a lot of things but the little things that slipped… Getting involved with Nathan was dangerous. It was just as dangerous as getting involved with the Noah or the Black Order. Just a few minutes ago I was agonizing never being able to escape the Holy War because of Crown Clown. And now… Was staying with Nathan worth it?

“…I didn’t tell you my name because I never wanted you to know,” Nathan’s words brought me out of my thoughts. “You were an orphaned little girl living near the East End of London, I didn’t know if you would recognize the name and fear it.”

I blinked at that. “Why would I…”

Nathan smile turned sad and regretful. “There was a time… when Ciel’s father was Earl Phantomhive that orphaned children would be taken from their homes by him and never returned. It wasn’t exactly his fault but… the rumours… I just didn’t want you to be afraid of me when I realized you didn't recognize me.”

“…And after…?”

“…It… was just easier to continue like that, I suppose.” He admitted, regret filling his eyes. “You knew of the name Phantomhive and that made me a little happy. I could pretend that I was nothing more than a travelling musician with you.”

The words brought a cold chill in my heart. Pretend… Was everything just an act then? Everything from the moment Nathan picked me up? When he called me his little sister? When he would comfort me when I had nightmares? Was it all… Just pretend…?

“No!” I startled and saw panicked eyes and a hard grip on my shoulders. “I may have omitted my name but whatever I felt when I took you in, when I realized I loved you like you were family, that was all _real_ , Ellen. I could never fake that. I could never hurt you like that.” He pleaded with me and I realized he had _known_ what I was thinking. His hands left my shoulders and wrapped themselves around me, pulling me closer to him and practically crushed me to him. “You’re my little sister, Ellen. That’s why I decided I wanted you to know. It was cowardly of me to let you know by letting other people to tell you and I’m _sorry_. I should’ve just told you. You’ve always been so mature, so understanding and I _should have told you_ but I didn’t want to be the one to tell you I was lying.”

I blinked rapidly at that, feeling a bit choked up as I felt tears well up in my eyes. “T-That doesn’t make sense!”

“I know. It probably doesn’t. But I didn’t want to lose you. I wanted someone else to be a scapegoat for me to blame if you turned around and decided to hate me for lying to you.”

“You’re stupid!” I cried, feeling my tears overflow and run down my cheeks. I raised my arms to grip at his stupid white suit.

“I know. I am. I’m a big idiot. I’m sorry.” Nathan agreed and apologized, squeezing me tighter to him. “I love you, _ma petite soeur_.”

All at once, as if a dam just broke I cried my heart out. I mumbled incoherently into Nathan’s shoulder as he tightened his grip on me and started to pet my hair. I knew I didn’t make sense. I didn’t even know what I was saying. All I knew was that I loved this man, with all his past and the dangers that would come, I loved Nathan. He’s my brother. The only family I have in this world and I wasn’t letting him go. Even if that meant getting potentially pulled into the Underworld, I wasn’t going to regret it.

Nathan Phantomhive was my brother and I would do everything to make him stay by my side.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ma petite soeur = ‘my little sister’ in French. Which I wish I could learn but I have my hands full with Japanese lol


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly think I’m all over the place with this. Tell me what you think? Did you get confused reading this? Was I jumping here and there?

We departed Norwich a couple of nights after the dinner. Finn had graciously rented us a carriage to take us to the port town of Great Yarmouth and Eleanor bid us farewell with appearing early that morning to stuff me into a pretty navy blue long sleeved dress with white decorative frills alongside a small suitcase containing similar dressers in colours that would compliment my red hair.

Nathan was ecstatic. I wasn’t. I pouted the whole first day of our journey to the port, though Mana managed to bring me out of that funk when he put beads into Nathan’s hair when he fell asleep.

We were still on the road a day later, since it would take us around four to five days to get there. The slow pace made me miss cars. A journey that could take days here would’ve taken only hours with modern technology. It made me remember that technology was both accurate and not in this world. I remembered the Komurin robots, who couldn't. Komui’s inventions brought such entertainment. But I had thought it was weird that there could be _robots_ in the 19 th Century. I saw public phones around which crept me out as well because I _knew_ those phones weren't invented until somewhere around 1910 to 1930.

I wondered just how different this world is from my own. There were so many similarities yet a lot of it was different. I'm no expert at history but technology here is slightly more advanced than my world’s 19th Century. The steam trains were faster, actually clocking in at over 100 miles per hour. The robots and elevator system in the Order’s Headquarters. The public phones. Compared to my world, this worlds technology was slightly more advanced.

It did make me think that maybe the war with the Noah was what brought this difference. War causes pressure to end war. The humans were desperate to win against the magic of the Noah and the Akuma that could kill with a single bullet or a drop of blood. It must have forced humans to adapt to the pace of the war and develop technology faster.

On the other hand, I have no idea what to think of the Noah anymore. I sneaked a glance at Mana who fell asleep around halfway through our third day of traveling. I actually _liked_ the Noah Clan as someone who read about them. They were evil and cool, I had thought. But living in this world where they want to destroy humanity? It made me conflicted. On one hand, I kind of understood their hatred for humans. Humans were cruel most of the time. The wars they waged in pride and the crimes they commit in greed were just the tip of the iceberg. Truly selfish humans existed in the world. Those that raped without remorse, that found pleasure in torture and killing, that ostracize those different from them. The Noah had memories dating back thousands of years ago.

But on the other hand there were some truly _good_ people in the world. Those that wouldn't hesitate to defend those that could not protect themselves, that would sacrifice all that they were to save another person, that would accept and try to understand those different from them. They were the people that made the world worth living in.

The Noah and the Black Order stood in opposite absoluteness. And as someone who knew and understood both sides, I really didn’t like either side of this war. With my meeting with Mana I had wondered if I could escape Allen Walker’s fate. Obviously _some_ things have changed. I wasn't traveling with Mana alone and I wasn't as dependent on Mana as Allen had been.

But I _was_ becoming increasingly dependent on Nathan. This scared me because what if I wasn't reborn into the D. Gray-Man I knew but some parallel universe that was similar to it? What if it was _Nathan_ that was a Noah and not Mana? Will that mean Nathan would die? Would I be so swallowed in grief I’d turn Nathan into an Akuma as Allen had done to Mana? Would I bear the curse Allen did in his left eye?

Could I even run from this possible fate? Where would I even go? I loved Nathan and I didn’t want him to get involved in the Order. Not like how Komui did for Lenalee. Despite his connection to the Underworld, Nathan was kind and he would never let me anywhere near places he deemed as dangerous. He was compassionate and I knew, even though he never told me, that he had killed before. But I also knew that he didn’t do it because he wanted to. He had a duty to his family and to the Queen. He chose to kill to protect the citizens of Great Britain.

Killing was wrong. But it was one or the other. It pained me to admit it. I had once believed there was always a choice. But sometimes there just wasn’t one. If I was given a choice. To save Nathan alone or to save thousands of other people, I knew I would choose Nathan and let thousands die.

I would not loose someone I loved. Even if it meant letting the world burn.

“You really like making complicated faces, Allen.” Once again, Mana said bringing me back from my thoughts. Oh, looks like he’s woken up while I was thinking.

“It's Ellen, Mana.” I replied automatically. It's become some sort of routine for us now. I would get lost in my thoughts and Mana would say I have a complicated face.

It unnerved me though that he would call me Allen sometimes, even when I was wearing a dress. I knew Nathan was worried about Mana. He was somewhat a sane person. Just. He gets a little worrying when he interacts with me. Once again I worried if it was because of Nea’s memory within me. Could he sense Nea? But that doesn’t make sense because I _knew_ the Earl didn’t figure it out until that incident when Nea came out after getting stabbed with Crown Clown that he realized Allen was the host of Nea’s memory.

But... If the Earl didn’t remember his – Mana’s memories with Allen then… Does that mean even if Mana realized Allen was Nea, the Earl wouldn’t remember it?

Ugh, this was giving me a damn headache.

“Are we there yet?” I asked. I did _not_ whine no matter what Nathan says.

“Almost,” Nathan replied, finally looking up from his notebook. “Are you excited, Ellen?”

“For what? Getting salt breeze in my hair?”

Nathan looked exasperated at me. “You know, most little girls would be excited for their first time at a port or even on a boat,”

I shrugged and winced when Mana knocked his knuckle on my head. Right, ladies weren’t supposed to shrug. “I’m not like most little girls,” I said, pouting at the benign smile on Mana’s face.

“…You know you won’t have to worry about the salt breeze if–”

“I will _not_ wear those bonnets, Nat- Ow! Mana!” I cried in pain when he pinched knocked his knuckled to my forehead this time. I raised my hands to rub at the sore spot. Mana petted my hair in apology.

“I’m sorry, Ellen. But you do not interrupt when someone is speaking,” Mana lectured. I pouted up at him, cursing the need for etiquette in the first place. Everything was just so _formal_.

“’m sorry…” I mumbled.

“No mumbling either,”

I discretely rolled my eyes making Nathan snicker. “I’m sorry, Mana. I’m… not really sorry, Nathan.”

“You know I’m hurt,” Nathan whined. “I’ve been with you longer but you like Mana more than me!”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “I do not. Mana’s just less annoying than you are.”

“And because he gives you way too many sweets.”

I blushed and Mana coughed awkwardly at being caught. I huffed and turned out to look at the passing scenery. It was slowly moving by at the pace we were at. It was wonderful to see all the greenery instead of tar roads and power plants in the distance. If there was one thing I loved about this century, it was the abundance of undisturbed nature.

Nathan and Mana had both caught on to my love for flowers and nature. Nathan would sometimes bring me the bouquets he gets from his gigs and Mana would always take me out to a park with lots of flowers if there are any in town. It flattered me that they would pay so much attention and strove to give me things I liked.

“I’ll need to meet someone once we’re there. Would you like to follow, Ellen?” Nathan questioned, as he stared out the window with me. I turned to him, surprised.

“May I really?” I asked back. Nathan was probably going to meet some of his underground contacts and I never thought he would invite me with him.

Nathan smiled tightly. “I know them personally and it's safe for little girls…”

I wondered as I nodded to his question, what Nathan considered a safe place. With his involvement in the Underworld, and his reactions to me going _anywhere_ , it was highly likely any place without Nathan or someone he trusts was dangerous.

“I thought… You didn’t want to get me involved?” I asked, honestly curious and a little wary.

Nathan’s smile softened a little. “I don’t but… Mana and I agreed it would be best if you’re more familiar with everything in the world… We want you to know all sides of humanity, good and bad,”

… Nathan _and_ _Mana_? When did they even talk about this? How long has Mana known about Nathan? I side-eyed Mana and jumped a little when I realized he had been watching me. He gave me a small smile as he petted my head.

“Nathan told me the morning after the dinner. You were still asleep,” Mana explained. “Human kind has always had two sides to itself. We want you to get to know both sides and judge for yourself how you wish to view the world,”

I… Okay, so apparently Mana and Nathan were taking child rearing very seriously. In a way that was fitting to my maturity. I appreciated that they didn’t want to hide or shield me from how the world worked. I knew just how sheltered children grew up to be narrow-minded adults. And for people like Nathan, those kind of people were hard to deal with because the world was black and white for them. For those kind of people, what Nathan did, the people he associated with, his duty to the Queen was _wrong_. They were the kind of people that thought ‘Oh, he did something wrong, so he must be a bad person,’ without any thought to reasoning or circumstances.

They were the kind of people that made up the Vatican and Central. The ones who refused to budge on their views of people who were different and opposed them. The ones who sent _hundreds_ of children to their deaths in their effort to find or create accommodators. The ones that would experiment on _people_ to create more accommodators and weapons to fight in this war. The ones who would condemn a loyal and good person like Allen Walker because of something that he had no choice nor say in.

And they would justify it as ‘for the future.’

“You know, maybe we should talk more so you don’t get so lost in your thoughts,” Mana mused. I blinked for a while, not realizing what Mana meant at first. Seeing my probably very confused face, Nathan laughed uproariously. I scowled at him even as Mana continued patting my head. It was a nice feeling, Mana’s patting of my head. His large hand was warm even through his gloves and he sometimes gently ran through my hair. Of course, it also served to make me sleepy. Which was what was happening now.

“You might want to stop, Mana. We’re nearing the town now and she won’t be able to fall asleep later if she sleeps now,” Nathan chided with a small smile.

“I can’t help it! She’s like a little kitten!” Mana cooed but removed his hand anyway. I pouted at the loss but I stood up from the seat to stretch. I could feel my joints cracking because I had been sitting down for so long. Yeah I definitely missed modern transportation.

“Look out the window, Ellen,” Nathan called. “You can see the port from here,”

Curiously, I peered out the window on Mana’s side and felt my breath catch. I had never been to a real port before. Sure I’ve seen large yachts in my old world but there were always very few in one place. This was… amazing. I gaped in awe at the large metal steam ships. In between I could see the hoods of several smaller ships and I just couldn’t believe the amount of them in one place.

“Now there’s the excitement I was looking for!” Nathan cheered as we rolled further into the town.

I threw him an exasperated look at his cheerful visage while Mana just laughed at us again, making a comment on how nice the breeze would feel.

“Are we going to see your… acquaintance now?” I questioned.

Nathan nodded, now visibly sweating and looking slightly worried. “Yes… Uh. You might want to be prepared, Ellen.”

I blinked. “Why?”

Nathan cringed and Mana looked a little worried now. “We’re… going to a brothel,”

I blinked once. Twice. Then widened my eyes in disbelief. “This place you said was safe for little girls is a _brothel?_ ”

Mana eyed Nathan’s cringing face with rightful skepticism. Nathan hastened to explain himself. “It _is_ safe! The head there frowns upon harming girls!”

“…But they have no problem with them selling their bodies for money for the brothel?” I asked, still feeling bewildered that Nathan would take a _seven-year-old_ to a brothel.

Nathan cringed and Mana sighed. “That… is no place to bring a seven-year-old, Nathan.”

“I… I _know_ that!” Nathan stressed out. “But we agreed on letting Ellen meet people from the Underworld and the ones I’d trust not to harm her are the whores! The most they’ll do is make her dress up!”

“I’m… I’m not going to be wearing something inappropriate, am I?” I hesitantly brought up, making Mana choke in alarm and Nathan squawking in denial.

“No! No! Of course not, you’re _seven_!” Nathan denied, his face red in either embarrassment or anger at the thought.

“… I know that there _are_ pedophiles in the world, Nate.” There were pedophiles in every age. It was more… subtle and rare in the modern world, but in the age where people would marry off _twelve-year-olds?_ I knew there were more known in this age and judging by Nathan’s angered scowl and Mana’s narrowed eyes… Was that gold I saw?

“No,” He asserted. “Those sort of people are immediately disposed of if they’re discovered. And Sacha keeps an eye out for people like that.”

I was still reeling from seeing Mana’s eyes flash gold that I almost missed what Nathan had said. I could feel my entire body tense from the thought of Mana reverting into the Earl, but as soon as I saw it, Mana blinked and his eyes turned back to warm brown as he smiled at me almost reassuringly.

“Ellen? Are you alright?” Came Nathan’s voice, worry clear as day in his tone.

I swallowed the lump of fear in my throat. This was Mana. Not the Earl. This was Mana the Clown. Mana who lectured me on being a proper lady. Mana who brought me to the park because I loved frolicking in the flowers. Mana who sneaked me sweets when Nathan wasn’t looking.

This was my Mana. Not the crazed Millenium Earl.

“I-I’m fine,” I choked out. “Sacha?” I mentioned, trying to steer the conversation back to what we were talking about.

Nathan and Mana eyed me worriedly but I smiled at them, hoping they would buy it. They relaxed a little, clearly still worried but trusted me enough to tell them if there was something wrong. I was probably never going to tell them about it. I didn’t want to be the reason Mana lost his mind to the Earl again. I liked Mana as he was now; kind, caring and teasing me.

“Sacha is the head of the brothel we’re going to,” Nathan explained. “She’s been in the business for years, since my father was still a boy even. Though at that time, she was a little older than him and was working as one of the girls instead of heading the place. She had some bad experiences in the past… But she came out of it a stronger person.” He ended with a small almost proud smile.

There was a lot of things I could pull from Nathan’s explanation about Sacha. But what caught my attention the most was Nathan’s fondness for the woman. I wondered what kind of person she was in personality. Was she as bubbly and cheerful as Nathan or Finn? Or would she be elegant and kind like Eleanor? Considering how and where she grew up, she was definitely a feminine person. I was somewhat looking forward to meeting Sacha? She must be something if Nathan was fond and trusted her. I just hoped she wasn’t someone on a high horse.

* * *

 

I take back my words.

“Oh, she’s absolutely adorable, Nathan! Where on earth did you manage to find such and adorable creature?!”

Sacha was a very pretty, very _muscular_ woman who wasted no time in snatching me off the carriage and into her arms to squeeze me in a death hug and squeal about my cuteness. Sacha was definitely a woman. She was a transwoman, thus _definitely a woman._

Who cares about the bloody disgusted glares aimed at the pretty lady that was squeezing the life out of me. They didn’t know _shit_ about anything and so their opinions _did not matter._

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Sacha,” I managed to choke out in her chokehold. “You’re very pretty,”

“Oh my, you’re an absolute _darling!”_ Sacha squealed. “Oh the lovely dresses I could put you in!”

“Uh, Sacha?” Nathan interrupted and Sacha snapped her head to glare at him. “I think you’d better let Ellen go before she suffocates,”

Sacha blinked then looked down at me. I didn’t know what she saw but considering I had been feeling extremely light headed from getting hugged around my neck so tightly, I wouldn’t be surprised if my face was blue from the lack of air.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, little lady!” Sacha gasped and immediately set me on the ground. “So sorry, little lady. Are you alright now?”

I had gasped for breath the moment Sacha let me go and was breathing heavily. Mana knelt down next to me, rubbing his hand over my back, his face contorted with worry. I smiled at him reassuringly after I caught my breath and turned the smile towards Sacha.

“I’m fine. You give very comfy hugs. Almost as comfy as Mana’s!” I beamed, not wanting the woman to feel like she hurt me or anything.

I swear on all that is Holy, _sparkles_ burst behind Sacha as she beamed back at me happily. He red painted lips stretched wide and her eyes glittered with both literal and figurative glitter.

“Aww~ You’re such a little darling, little lady!” She cooed and snatched me up again, gently hugging me to her this time. I bore the hug and her rubbing our cheeks together with a smile. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and she _deserved_ whatever compliments I give her.

Besides, she really did give nice hugs.

“Oh, the girls are going to love you! We haven’t had a little one to dress up in pretty dresses since our last little one grew up too big!” Sacha whined and whirled around to enter the brothel, entirely ignoring a gaping Nathan and a very amused Mana. I giggled at their expressions and waved at them cheerfully, feeling a little giddy at being able to shock Nathan so much. I hoped the other girls aren’t as enthusiastic though, I don’t think I can handle being choked a lot.

* * *

The girls at Haven’s House were absolutely _gorgeous_. Every single one of them looked like they could be a damn super model. Skinny but fit with enthusiasm to match Sacha.

I got hugged to asphyxiation a few more times.

Mana managed to snatched me away from the girls and so I was currently perched on his lap as the girls alternated between flirting with Mana and cooing over me and touching my hair and pinching my cheeks and caressing my skin and debating what colours would suit me. I was a bit exasperated with it all but I put up with it because somehow, having a living doll was making theme all exuberant. Nathan and Sacha had long since disappeared somewhere, probably to discuss whatever it was Nathan had actually come to the brothel for. I was a bit disappointed I couldn’t eavesdrop but I suppose Nathan didn’t want me to know a lot of things before he’s ready to teach them.

If he ever will.

“Ohh, she’s a day dreamer~” One of the girls sang and the others either squealed or sighed. Mana chuckled from behind me and a couple of other girls sighed or giggled.

I pouted and the girls squeal raised an octave, making Mana wince a little and tighten his hold on me.

“Oh she’s so cute!”

“Her hair is so red! Like the setting sun!”

“She’ll look good in dark colours… It’ll bring out her hair and eyes more…”

“Nothing silver though, it’ll clash with her hair even if it’ll complement her lovely eyes,”

“Oh! Her skin’s so soft!”

“Like touching clouds!”

“So pale too, she’ll grow up to be a real pretty lady,”

“Oh my goodness, she’ll be gorgeous! She’ll have a hard time bating away suitors, definitely!”

On and on they went, discussing everything and anything the could about me. It was a little unnerving to listen to them talk about future suitors though. I knew girls married young in this century, but I dearly hoped to find someone I would love to marry instead of someone capable of buying my bride price.

And knowing now that Nathan is an Earl, I have no doubt it was going to be a _very expensive_ bride price.

“Alright girls,” Sacha called from the back as she walked towards us with a slightly strained smile. “Why don’t you take the little lady upstairs and get her all dolled up. Looks like Lord Phantomhive doesn’t have time to entertain us tonight,”

There were moans of protest alongside squeals of excitement as I was snatched from Mana’s grasp. I yelped at the sudden movement and looked up from the girl’s hold just in time to see Mana approaching a severe looking Nathan and an angered Sacha.

* * *

My thoughts were still on the scene I saw of Nathan and Sacha as the girls manhandled me into a dress and proceeded to discuss makeup. I entered a sort of daze, wondering what it was that was so serious to make Nathan look so… serious. I knew that whatever it was Nathan was involved in would be serious. He worked directly under the Queen’s orders. Or under his mother’s, who was the one holding the title of Guard Dog. Whatever it was he was doing, whatever information he was gathering was bound to be important and pertinent to the country.

I knew of Nathan’s love for Britain. It was something he said he had inherited from his adoptive father. Ciel Phantomhive was someone who had given everything he had to protect his country. He had done things he wasn’t proud of, things that made him sick, things that made him want to kill himself in atonement. But he continued doing it until his dying day. Because he loved Britain, above all else. Even above his need for revenge against those that had murdered his parents and done unforgivable things to him.

Nathan never told me what those unforgivable things were and I couldn’t bare watching Nathan’s face twist in a mixture of sorrow and anger to ask. I left it alone, because the past should stay with the past. The dead should stay dead.

I knew that Nathan mostly kept things from me because I was young. To him, I am a seven-year-old girl he picked up and grew to care for like a little sister. I was someone he wanted to protect and shelter. He wanted to teach me about how the world wasn’t black and white, how it did not revolve in absoluteness. He didn’t want to put me in danger, so he won’t tell me anything that would endanger me.

But I wasn’t a little girl. I was an adult woman _stuck_ in a girls’ body. It was frustrating being treated as a child in these kinds of situations. I was so used to being privy to sensitive information, it was upsetting that such things were kept from me because I was a child. I understood where Nathan was coming from, not wanting to burden a child that might not comprehend the severity of a situation. But _god damnit_ it was so frustrating!

“We’re done, little lady~!” The girls around me cheered in so much enthusiasm, it brought me out of my thoughts.

I blinked at the three huge full body mirrors in front of me. Then, I finally took in the image in the mirror. My red hair was pulled away from my face, leaving my entire face exposed. My front bangs were pulled to the side where they were braided into the half done bun at the back of my head. A light coating of gloss graced my lips, making them look shinier and fuller than they actually were. I was wearing a navy blue long sleeved dress, one that flared at the waist and ended just above my ankles.

I looked… like a bloody noble. Oh dear, I matched what Nathan was wearing today.

I unconsciously grasped at my left arm, suddenly remembering my Innocence. The girl with hands on my shoulders squeezed it lightly.

“There’s nothing wrong with deformities, little lady,” She cooed softly as she placed her cheek to mine. I saw a soft, sad smile on her lips. “No one is perfect. And just because you’re a little different, doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you’re a little bit more special than others.”

I stayed silent for awhile, not really sure how to respond. “Why… Why do you…” I trailed off, not really knowing how to word my question without coming off as rude.

“Why do we work in this brothel?” A girl to my left clarified with a smile.

“Well, for some of us. It’s because it’s the only place that would accept us,” The girl behind me hummed. “Some of us were sold here from the slave trade. Sacha’s been a dear to us. Some work for money either for themselves or for their families. And some were forced into the business and Sacha gave them a choice when she saved them. They chose to stay and help in whatever way they could.

“Some of us are here willingly, some of us are here unwillingly. But in the end, it’s a way to make ends meet. Sacha tries her best to take care and protect us from rowdy customers. And we do our best to gather whatever information she needs. We have a roof over our heads and food to eat. For some of us, that’s enough of a reason to stay. We would never wish this occupation on anyone. But this is something that by now, all of us have chosen.”

Everyone was silent for a moment before the girl to my left draped an arm around my waist and gave me a quick hug. “We do this because it helps both us and other people. The information we gather from our customers help keep the country a little safer. It helps protect little girls like you from ending up on the streets or like us. And that, little lady, is the highest reward we can get.”

I pursed my lip, not wanting to ruin the gloss the girls had painstakingly put on, in an effort to keep from crying. I knew that sometimes whores were forced into this business but for them to stay because there’s a slight chance they were helping… Another girl laughed and gently dabbed at my teary eyes.

“Such a sweetheart you are, little lady,” She cooed. “Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. Just enjoy your life! Lord Phantomhive is a wonderful man and we know he’ll treat and raise you right. And you have that fine gentlemen to turn to when the Lord gets exasperating!” She grinned slyly making me and the other girls laugh.

“Looks like you lot are having fun,”

I turned to the door to see Sacha leaning against the door with a grin. She beamed at me when I shot her a worried look, remembering her angered face when I was dragged to be dressed. “Nathan’s waiting for you outside, little lady. I hope you’ll manage to convince that man to visit once in a while for pleasure instead of business.”

I smiled at her, feeling a little embarrassed at the thought of Nathan coming in here for… pleasure. “I’ll try, Ms. Sacha.”

“None of that, little lady,” She grinned as she gave me a slight bow. “Call me Sissy, alright?”

I nodded and took her hand when she offered it. The girls waved and kissed me goodbye, cheerfully waving at me. I waved back, feeling a little sad to be leaving.

“If you get Nathan to come by, you’ll be able to see Anna and Lily again,” Sacha told me slyly. “We’ll give that gentlemen travelling with you a discount too.”

I laughed hysterically at the thought of Mana accepting the offer. He would probably faint in shock first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t find a good place to stop? Also this got super long. Please do tell me what you think and if you feel like I was jumping from place to place. I… also need a beta. To check on missing words and grammar and stuff. Probably. Any volunteers?


	5. Chapter 5

“Will you tell me what happened back there?” I immediately demanded as soon as the door to our cabin was shut closed.

We were on a rather large ship, heading towards Belgium now. The cabin we were in wasn’t fancy but it wasn’t too shabby either. A queen sized and a single sized bed with clean linens, a dresser, a table with three chairs, a lumpy sofa and a low coffee table. There was a bathroom adjoined, thankfully. I just hoped it was clean.

Nathan sighed and Mana smiled soothingly at him as he placed our bags on the floor near the dresser.

“You really don’t waste any time, do you, Ellen?” Nathan chuckled in fondness and Mana hummed at that.

“So impatient,” Mana chimed in.

“I’m plenty patient, Mana,” I huffed. “I had to suffer being dolled up and fawned over,”

“And what a sacrifice that was,” Nathan said dryly.

Ignoring the sarcasm, I nodded firmly in response. “Yes, it was a very noble sacrifice. Now are you going to continue trying to avoid my question or will you answer it?”

Nathan’s jaw tightened and Mana looked a little uncomfortable at this, shifting his eyes between Nathan and I. I felt a little bad. No matter how mature he knew I was, to Mana I was still a child and the information I wanted was probably something that he would rather I didn’t know. Nathan had the same conflicted look on his face and I wondered if it would be better to just tell them I was older than I was.

They probably wouldn’t believe me but Mana… Reincarnation was something the Noah Clan did and I didn’t want to trigger anything. The slight scare I had before was enough of a warning that the Earl was lurking in Mana, even if he wasn’t fully awake.

We stayed in silence for a while, Nathan obviously reluctant to tell me anything and Mana was busying himself with organizing the new clothes I got from Haven’s House. I pursed my lips, understanding their reluctance but not liking it one bit. I wanted to insist on knowing but I knew it was hard for someone as protective as Nathan to tell me something potentially dangerous. Information had a certain weight of power. And having such information could mean that I could be in potential danger. In my opinion, knowing was better than not knowing but…

“Fine,” I finally said, drawing both their attention to me. “Don’t tell me. I… I get it. I may be mature, but I’m still too young for you to be comfortable telling me things related to your… side job,”

Nathan’s shoulders slumped in relief even if his face flashed with guilt. I could hear Mana breathe a sigh in relief as well. It made me feel ashamed of myself. They’ve been struggling to accept and cater to my apparent maturity while I still looked like a six-year-old. Sure it was frustrating to me but it must be _super_ uncomfortable for Nathan and Mana.

I felt a hand ruffling my hair and I looked up to see Mana smiling apologetically at me. Nathan was kneeling beside him and pulled me into a tight hug as soon as I turned to him.

“I’m really sorry, Ellen. But I really _do_ think you don’t _have_ to know this yet,” Nathan whispered in my ear. “I know I said I wanted to teach you about all sides to the world but some things… Some things, I’d rather not tell you just yet. I want you to enjoy being ignorant for just a little bit longer,”

I clutched onto Nathan and buried by face further into his shoulder. I couldn’t tell him I had some ideas on what he was talking about. It was going to be frustrating, keeping my mouth shut while Nathan did his work and maybe told Mana what he was doing but not me. But I would do it.

For Nathan, I was willing to do anything.

* * *

 

The 5-day ship ride was _not fun at all_. Who on earth could stand being on a transport ship mainly used to transport _cows_ of all things.

Nathan, apparently.

Mana had found it amusing and honestly, so had I. But after just a day I was ready to jump off the ship. It freaking _reeked_ of cow faeces. Nathan had apparently gotten used to such things and teasingly told me to get used to it too. He said that while he could definitely afford to get us into ships that were used to transport actual humans, he needed to be covert and not draw attention to himself. Flaunting off his riches with luxury ships would definitely draw attention.

When I asked him why not to just use a normal middle-class ship, he blanked out on me and changed the subject. Mana had later told me Nathan didn’t really think about using the middle-class ships because _he forgot they existed_.

So now here we were in Bruges, Belgium and it was _stunning_. Honestly the only good thing about being reincarnated into the 19 th Century besides meeting Nathan was being able to see so many different places before modern architecture took over. It was a beautiful sight to see with all the canals and gothic looking buildings. I think my favourite part of my life these days was travelling to so many different places and seeing them in person instead of through Google Maps. I remember that I had always wanted to go on a European tour but airplane tickets were obscenely expensive and travelling for leisure just wasn’t possible for me at the time with a full-time job and little savings.

We were in Bruges because of some sort of music festival going on that Nathan wanted to participate in. Despite using his skills to gather information via eavesdropping in bars or high-class parties, Nathan loves his violin and took every opportunity to play it.

Mana and I enjoyed listening to him play. I’ve always loved listening to the violin in my past life and that love had carried over and strengthened as Nathan kept playing. I was still a bit leery about playing my own violin, though. I knew Nathan was confused as to why I was scared of playing it but had no problems with listening to him, especially since I apparently had a natural talent for instruments. I didn’t know how I could ever tell him I was scared that playing any sort of instruments would coax the Noah in me to awaken. I definitely didn’t want to tell Mana about it, for obvious reasons.

Never the less, Nathan had stubbornly tried to get me to continue practising with my violin. It was starting to piss me off with how easy it was for me to play what I knew to be difficult arrangements, especially since I was only six and haven’t exactly matured physically to be able to play what I do perfectly.

Being the Noah’s Musician is such a _hack_.

Mana enjoys listening to us though. I had thought that maybe he would associate music with Nea but so far, when I play the violin, Mana gets a bit more grounded. He doesn’t space out much anymore when I play, though he does get this sad look in his eyes. Mana’s been calling me Ellen more than he called me Allen now, even when I cross dressed. Which I did the whole time I was on the ship. I think that maybe my constant reminders about my name helped a bit.

The slight scare I had with Mana maybe turning into the Earl back in Great Yarmouth still played at the back of my mind. I couldn’t remember if Allen had any incidents where Mana’s eyes had turned gold, but I figured that he probably wouldn’t notice it anyway. Mana to Allen was both a father figure and someone he deeply depended on. I knew that Mana was the first to show kindness to Allen and that kind of hero worship relationship would make Allen blind to things he thought were inconsequential.

So… The Earl might be closer to surface than I thought. That’s… _bad_. But is it really the Earl? I know in the manga that the Earl didn’t have any memory of Mana’s time with Allen so… was there a barrier of some sort between Mana’s and the Earl’s memory? When Mana died and became the Millenium Earl, did he block his memories from being absorbed by the Earl? It was… probably a legit theory but not one I could put my money on. I had no idea how magic worked. I mean it might be possible in Harry Potter but in the D. Gray-Man world where the only magic I was aware of is the one Cross uses?

Or was there more to the magic of this world? I can’t imagine the magic Cross uses is the only type of magic in this world filled with Akuma and Innocence. So there has to be other types of magic, right…? Damn it, I can’t confirm anything. Mana might know something but… with his Noah memory, I’d rather not risk _anything_ with him.

“Allen why don’t you play with me tonight?” Nathan asked me, bringing me out of my thoughts. We were walking towards the inn we were going to stay in for the festival and I was cross-dressing once again. It was unsurprisingly crowded and decorations littered the buildings in preparation for the festival.

“Um, no thank you,” I answered quickly, almost paling at the thought of performing. Sure Nea’s hack ability to play instruments probably wouldn’t let me mess up but I had never even liked giving practised presentations in _class_. I definitely didn’t want to get up on stage in front of possibly _hundreds_ of people. My stage fright combined with the possibility that playing instruments might awaken Nea…

It probably won’t happen but I _really_ didn’t want to take the risk.

“Really, Allen,” Nathan sighed at me. “You play beautifully and there’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t understand why you refuse to share your music,”

I pursed my lips in an effort to not yell at him. This was one of the few arguments I almost _always_ had with Nathan. He loves music and he knows I love it too, so he finds it petty that I won’t play to show my love for it. I _do_ understand where he’s coming from but…

“I do not think it would be a good idea to force him, Nathan,” Mana cut in smoothly. “Allen surely has his own reasons and you cannot force him to play if he doesn’t want to,”

Nathan sighed heavily. “I know.” He smiled apologetically at me. “I’m sorry. Why don’t you and Mana go around and enjoy the festivities tonight?”

…God, Nathan was getting better at guilt tripping me. “Maybe… I’ll play with you later on... When it’s not so crowded…?”

Almost immediately, Nathan’s visage brightened as he beamed at me happily. I could feel myself twitching as he rushed to tackle me in a hug and started babbling about how I wasn’t going to regret this and how proud he was of me trying to get over my stage fright. Mana chuckled at me bemusedly, a knowing glint in his eyes. I sighed but I knew I was smiling a little as well.

Since my former life, I had always wanted to learn to play an instrument. It might be a bit unfair that because of Nea I could play well, but… I couldn’t always be afraid of Nea’s awakening. I might be able to delay it, but I knew he _would_ awaken one day. The Noah memory from what I could remember, cannot be stopped. This is my life now. With Nathan… and with Mana. I wasn’t going to give it up without a fight.

If I wanted to fight, I needed to face Nea’s abilities. No matter how scared I was of losing.

* * *

 

_You have got to be fucking kidding me._

That was the only thought running through my head as I stared at the mostly abandoned park near another canal. Since it was nearing dusk, most people there were leaving before it got too cold. Mana and Nathan were of course, _nowhere to be found_.

…How the hell did I get lost in the 30 seconds I took to look at the delicious cakes that were being sold off at the bakery.

I sighed in frustration as I looked around the quickly darkening park. It wasn’t that I was afraid of being alone, it’s that I was alone after dark in a seemingly empty park located in a port town. Nathan, Mana and I were on our way to the square where Nathan would be playing as a guest musician when I had spotted a baker that had just set down a display of cakes in front of his shop. I had stupidly stopped to look, not noticing that Mana and Nathan had already disappeared into the crowd. When I _did_ notice that I was alone, I again _stupidly_ tried to find them in the crowd only to be pushed aside by enthusiastic tourists and festival goers all the way to the park.

A slight breeze blew through the trees and I shivered at the cold. It was already autumn, probably nearing winter; I could never be too sure. The temperature was bound to drop even more when night fell. I wondered if it would be a good idea to leave the park and try to find Mana. Nathan was probably already playing so it’s possible Mana was looking for me right now. It would be best if I just stayed put like I should have when I first noticed their absence.

I shivered again at the cold wind and knelt down to hug my knees to my chest, hoping it would help conserve whatever warmth I had. Night had already fallen by now and I could see the streetlights getting lit up from where I was in the park. I should probably head towards the town but it was just so crowded and I could get even _more_ lost if I tried. I sighed dejectedly and frowned at the visible puff that appeared when I did. It was getting cold enough that my breaths were visible…

I really hoped Mana would find me soon.

I groaned at my own helplessness and buried my forehead into my knees. I could feel tears starting to gather but held them back. I may be in a child’s body but I was over twenty-five mentally. I should _not_ be crying over getting lost or not being able to get back. I got lost almost all the time in my past life. Granted, I had a damn GPS system on my phone and Google Maps was a saviour in those times.

“Gaahh!”

I started at the sound and looked up only to find a large golden ball with _a lighter shade of a cross on it,_ _wings and a tail that curled like a cloud_.

… Wait… Is this _Timcanpy?!_ As in ‘killed-by-Apo-whatever-his-name-was’ **_Timcanpy?_**

I fell back on my behind as Timcanpy came closer to rub itself against my cheek. I flinched at the sudden warmth that came from the action and blinked in wonder as Timcanpy settled itself against my chest and continued to rub itself against me. I stared at it for a moment before slowly bringing my hands up and wrapping them around it. I could feel the soothing warmth spreading from the contact Timcanpy had on me and I snuggled into it, already feeling tears that I had tried to hold back start to run.

Timcanpy’s death in the manga was one of the most memorable things that had happened and there was no way I could forget it. Seeing the gold golem here, right in front of my eyes, snuggling up against me and sharing its warmth was… I cried like a damn baby when Timcanpy died and now… now I can’t stop the damn tears!

I felt Timcanpy freeze when I started hiccupping in an effort to hold back my sobs. It frantically flapped its wings and tried to burrow itself closer even though I was already hugging it so tightly. I appreciated that it was probably trying to get me to stop crying but I didn’t think I could. I had no idea why the thought of Timcanpy’s death affected me so badly _now_. I mean yes, I cried like there was no tomorrow in my former life when I first read that scene but it was a one-time thing, so _why was I crying so hard **now?**_

“T-Timcanpy… Don’t- don’t die…” I whimpered as I cried onto the golem, not being able to stop the tears or the sobs anymore. I just continued to hug the warm golem, uncaring to its frantic flailing and just cried and cried and cried.

I didn’t notice when I stopped crying. All I felt was Timcanpy’s warmth leaving me before a familiar voice called my name. Then, everything just went black.

* * *

I woke up to the smell of freshly baked bread and strongly brewed coffee. Blearily, I blinked at the wooden ceiling in confusion. Where was I…?

“Ellen? Are you awake?” Mana’s relieved voice came from beside me. I turned to look at him slowly, my mind still trying to process where I was and what had happened.

“Ma…na…?” I could feel my mouth moving but was that really my voice? It sounded really scratchy and I felt like my throat was hurting really badly.

Mana’s face contracted into worry as he reached towards the bedside table to pour some water into a small glass. I tried to sit up and I felt hands helping me steady myself. I hazily recognized Nathan’s normal attire before Mana gently tilted the cup to my mouth. I took big gulps of the water, feeling a soothing feeling travel down my throat and relished in the warmth. I settled down in bed again right after, Nathan fidgeting with my sheets and Mana petting my head. Both had expressions of worry on their faces and I tried to remember what happened.

We were walking towards the square and I got distracted. When I noticed I lost Mana and Nathan in the crowd I tried to find them and ended up in the park nearing night time. And then…

_Timcanpy_.

I froze and tried my best not to react too obviously. I… I met Timcanpy. Hell, I cried on the thing! _Why? How?_ Was Cross watching Mana? But why? Oh god, I hope he didn’t see me crying all over Timcanpy…

“Ellen?” Mana questioned, worry still laced in his tone. “Are you alright?”

“She doesn't have a fever…” Nathan commented when he laid a hand on my neck, checking my temperature. “She’s still a bit too cold, though.”

“Wha… What happened?” I finally managed to get out, my throat protesting at the use and I winced a little in pain.

“I found you in the park, crying your eyes out,” Mana told worriedly, his hand never stopping its movements and instead started to thread through my hair soothingly. “You had been missing for just under two hours or so when I found you. Were you scared, Ellen?”

I didn’t want to tell Mana the real reason I had been crying so I just nodded a little. I immediately felt bad for lying to him but I vaguely remembered seeing a panel of Mana holding Timcanpy and I didn’t want to risk triggering Mana’s memory of Timcanpy.

Nathan sighed heavily and took my hand to give it a quick squeeze. “Next time we go out, you’re holding our hands, Ellen. No more getting lost in the crowd.”

I pouted at him and turned to Mana, hoping he would be the voice of reason. He looked at me sternly and shook his head. I pouted harder. Mana won’t help me out of this one.

“It wasn’t that bad…”

“You were on the verge of hypothermia, Ellen,” Nathan said in a dark tone. “If Mana hadn’t found you when he did…”

I gulped at the thought and paused a little. If I had been missing for two hours in the cold… My eyes widened. I _should_ have gotten cold to the point of hypothermia. That was what Timcanpy had been doing. It had been trying to keep me warm but no matter how big it was; I was still just a little bit bigger than it. It had only just managed to keep me warm long enough for Mana to find me. 

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled, feeling guilty at what had happened. “I shouldn’t have gotten distracted…”

“We should’ve been paying more attention to you in that crowd, Ellen,” Mana soothed, moving to sit on the bed and moving me to lean against him. I burrowed into his side, the feeling of guilt heavy in my chest. “It’s not your fault. You stayed in one place like you should. I should have been able to find you faster,”

“It’s all our faults,” Nathan affirmed sternly, giving both me and Mana severe looks. “Mana and I should’ve kept a better eye on you in that large a crowd and you shouldn’t have gotten so distracted that you lost sight of us,” He paused. “What _did_ have you so distracted anyway?”

I would admit that my face was probably turning a deep shade of red. I felt Mana shaking in his laughter and Nathan’s face turned amused. “I… I saw some… really pretty cakes…?”

Mana burst out laughing and hugged me to him, practically squishing his cheek to my own. “Oh, Ellen! You’re so cute!”

“Mana!”

Nathan was watching us looking vastly amused and I probably gave him a pathetic enough look that he rose to help me get out of Mana’s grip. Once I was settled back onto the bed with Mana still sitting on the bed beside me, I remembered about how I was supposed to play with Nathan.

“Um. How was your performance, Nathan?” I asked, not really sure if I wanted to bring up playing the violin right now.

“Hmm? It went fine. I was a bit distracted since you were missing but I didn’t mess up if that’s what you’re asking,” Nathan replied nonchalantly as he prepared some tea.

“Oh,” I awkwardly responded, not wanting to bring up the topic but I knew how much Nathan wanted me to play with him in public and I felt guilty since we couldn’t do that last night.

“I think,” Mana started as he raised a hand to thread through my hair soothingly. “Ellen’s feeling a little guilty because she couldn’t play with you last night, Nathan,”

Nathan blinked at Mana and then at me. I really wished I wasn’t blushing in embarrassment at getting caught out like that but Mana could read me better than Nathan could and I could _feel_ heat rushing to my face. Nathan could read me as well, but not as well as Mana could. Nea’s twin was ridiculously attentive to my emotions and knew exactly what I was thinking sometimes to the point that I thought he could read my mind.

I knew he couldn’t, because of how my head goes around on so many topics. If Mana could read my mind he would’ve confronted me on the things that I knew.

“Well, why don’t we stay a bit longer and play when you’re up for it?” Nathan suggested with a wide grin, his face practically lighting up at the thought of playing with me. “There’s nothing really pressing for me to do and we don’t need to be in Paris until Winter. Since there’s a train straight to Paris we can take our time here. There’s no rush, so just concentrate on recovering first. Okay, _petite soeur?”_

I would never in a million years admit to _anyone_ that Nathan calling me his little sister made my heart jump in happiness. It made me deliriously happy that he would willingly admit and even brag about how I was his little sister to anyone who was curious enough to ask. I had _family_ now. Even though that family only consisted of Nathan, it was still something I cherished deeply. To have someone love you just because you were _family_ …

I couldn’t help but feel deeply grateful and ecstatic to be able to experience it.

I burrowed my face into Mana’s side, trying to hide my probably very red face. I heard Mana chuckle and adjusted himself so that he was lying in bed with me. Feeling a little childish, I snuggled deeper into Mana’s chest as his arms came up to hug me close and continued petting my hair.

I felt another hand, Nathan’s, ruffle my hair and soon heard the door to the bedroom opened and closed. Mana started humming a familiar tune as he started to thread his hand through my hair again. Slowly, my eyes fell close and I slipped back to sleep with a smile, listening to the strangely familiar and comforting tune.

* * *

 

“Are you ready, Ellen?” Nathan asked me enthusiastically as we waited in the back room of the rather small café that had asked Nathan to perform. The café was a quaint one with very few people, which I was pathetically grateful for. Mana was sitting at a table close to the small stage that had been set up for us so he wasn’t with Nathan and I.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and gave a nervous smile to Nathan. He returned it with a reassuring pat on my head.

“You’ll do wonderfully,” He gave as he straightened out the ribbon around my neck. I was still cross-dressing mostly because I actually _liked_ wearing pants and also because I had been crossdressing the entire time we had been in Bruges. Especially since Nathan had won the small music competition a few days back. It would seem weird and invite questions if I had suddenly started wearing dresses again.

I didn’t reply to Nathan, too nervous to even think of a response. How did Nathan manage to go up on stage in front of so many people so confidently? I had jitters just reciting a speech to classmates in my past life.

“How are you not nervous?” I asked, slightly exasperated with myself. “I feel like I’m going to forget the scores if I go up there…”

“Well… I was actually pretty scared to perform when I first started learning the violin,” Nathan mused. “Ciel and Lizzie were my first audiences along with the servants at the Manor. They were very encouraging and it was difficult not to have fun playing when all they did was create chaos before Ciel threatened to throw them out in the snow. When I first played for other people, I remembered that scene when I first played for my family and it helped me not get so nervous about performing,”

I listened attentively to Nathan’s tale. He had dropped small snippets of his past ever since we left Great Yarmouth and I always tried to commit them to memory. There were some very entertaining things that Nathan’s family got into and it was always a delight to hear them.

“You know how you play for Mana and I?” Nathan smiled at me. “Just concentrate on Mana and _play_ ,”

I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do but the café manager came in just then to tell us we could go up on stage now.

I froze in fear, my heart in my throat even as Nathan pushed me to walk and guided me on stage. I had a death grip on my violin and I could feel it squeak a little at the force I was exerting. There were… a lot more people than I thought there were in the café. It was almost a full house. So many people I didn’t know just staring at me…

I wanted to run away.

Nathan’s hands were squeezing my shoulders just then. “Ellen, look at Mana. Just _look_ at him,”

At those words, my eyes immediately fell to the table closest to me. Mana sat there, a cup of tea and a plate of scones and jam on the table. He was looking straight at me with an encouraging smile on his face. His smile widened when he saw me looking at him and his mouth moved.

“You can do it,” Nathan mimicked Mana’s words. “Concentrate on Mana and _play_ ,”

I looked straight into Mana’s encouraging eyes, lifted my violin and _played_.

And it was the most liberating feelings I’ve had. My fingers almost automatically pressing the right strings for _Vivaldi’s Concerto_ and my hand drew the bow like I had done it a million times before. I let the sound of mine and Nathan’s violin drown me, the sharp tones washing over me like deep waves in the ocean. The sounds of the crowd I had only vaguely heard was covered by the violins tune.

I could feel something stirring inside of me but I paid it no heed. The warmth I felt coming from my heart was heady and addicting. The music flowed through me, making me feel like I was floating in the clouds. It gave me a sense of peace that I’ve never felt before. I wasn’t sure what the feeling was but I revelled in it. I wanted nothing more than to feel more of it.

As the song came to an end, I slowly opened my eyes, not realizing I had closed them in the first place. I immediately found Mana’s proud and nostalgic eyes that looked on at me so warmly. I felt a burst of affection for this man who had done nothing but give me so much care and love. Still feeling slightly intoxicated from the wonderful feeling that washed over me, I gave him a blinding smile.

I felt a hand ruffle my hair and I turned to Nathan. He had a small, proud smile on his lips and he turned back to the applauding crowd. I blushed, nearly forgetting I had been performing in front of a crowd. The two of us bowed to the cheers and claps and Nathan pulled on my hand to lead me off the stage and directly to Mana whom had stood up to approach us.

Mana kneeled down and opened his arms. Without thinking, I ran into them even with my hands occupied by my violin and bow. Mana’s arms wrapped around me and I felt his cheek rub against mine, his whiskers and stubble tickling my face.

“You were amazing up there, Ellen,” He cooed softly, his arms tight around me and I breathed in his comforting scent. “I’m so proud of you, my little girl,”

I felt my lips curve into a smile that was hidden because I had my face buried into Mana’s chest. The heady feeling of warmth and affection washed over me again. Nathan’s own hug when Mana let go of me made me so content with my life.

Maybe… Even if it did wake Nea… Maybe playing the violin wasn’t that bad.


	6. Chapter 6

Paris. _La Ville Lumiere_. The City of Light. Though well, I had known it to be the City of Love back in my past life. If only because of mass media. And the city certainly lived up to _both_ names. We had arrived in the city by train in the middle of the night and the streets of Paris were illuminated by the hundreds of ornate streetlights. The cobblestone paths and beautifully structured buildings were amazing to see in real life. There was a certain atmosphere that just brought out all the romantic ambience of the place. There were certainly many of those walking the streets whom were simply friends or family. But there was also an abundance of couples just walking around and enjoying the cool winter night.

Nathan had checked us into a rather fancy hotel for once. Which was rare because he had said before he didn’t like drawing attention to the fact that he was a noble and rich. When I had asked him about it when we checked in, he turned pale and looked like he was two seconds from throwing up. Then he told me there were people in Paris that knew him so there was no point in hiding. Mana and I had worriedly looked on as he collapsed into bed with mutterings of ‘apologizing’, ‘grovel’, ‘servants’ and ‘Christmas’.

That was last night and I didn’t get a chance to fully appreciate Paris since it was late and I was too sleepy to play tourist. Now that it was morning, I had immediately jumped onto Nathan’s bed, intent on waking up my dearest brother to take me around the famed city I had always wanted to visit in my past life.

 _“Wake up, frère!”_ I exclaimed in French. And wow was I so proud of myself for actually being able to coherently speak in the language. When I had found out back in Britain that we _would_ eventually go to France, I had thrown myself into learning French. But Nathan didn’t allow me to learn anything about _la langue française_ until I was somewhat fluent in Latin. So now I had English, Japanese, Latin and French. I was officially multi-lingual, much to my own pride and happiness. I was working on Italian next since we were going to head there for next summer.

 _“You’re always the last one to get up, ma petite soeur,”_ Nathan groaned as I jumped on his back. _“Why are you so excitable for Paris?”_

 _“Because it’s so pretty! And I saw a lot of pretty looking cakes in the pâtisserie! They had éclairs and tarts and crepes, Nathan!”_ I gushed excitably. I had no idea I could get so hyper in the morning but I was. Because _cakes and sweets and delicious freshly baked bread!_

So I was a bit of a glutton, sue me. I blamed all those cooking and baking anime I used to watch in my past life.

“I’m a bit worried about giving you sugar right now, Ellen,” Mana mused when he came into the bedroom with a tray of tea and scones that he probably ordered from the café downstairs. “You’re bouncing off the walls already… Or maybe it’s just Nathan you’re bouncing off of,” He ended with a laugh at Nathan.  

Nathan glared at Mana before flipping around and grabbing me to make me stop jumping on him. I squealed when he started tickling my sides and flailed at him to get him to stop.

“Nathan!” I cried out in between my giggling. “I can’t breathe!”

“Well, serves you right for jumping right on my back and knocking the wind out of me,” Nathan returned smugly but stopped tickling me anyway. “And Mana’s right. I don’t want you to be hyper off of sugar in this city,” He shuddered.

“What’s with Paris that makes you so… unsettled?” I asked curiously, wondering if he would give me an actual answer this time.

Nathan shiftily looked away and graciously accepted the cup of tea Mana had prepared. I beamed at Mana when he handed me a scone filled with strawberry jam and nibbled on it as I waited for Nathan to answer.

“My mother’s in Paris right now… And she demands to meet me sometime this week.” Nathan finally gave with a sigh, though he was smiling fondly into his cup.

That… did not explain why he went pale in the face or why he was so unsettled at being in Paris. Although, maybe his mother had something to do with said reaction? This confused me because from everything Nathan had said before, there was no inkling that he had a rocky relationship with his mother. He had always spoken of her so fondly.

“What does your mother being in Paris have to do with you being unsettled?” I pressed, wanting to know what it was that was bugging him.

Nathan let out a dejected sigh and mumbled something. Mana hit his head with a rolled up newspaper.

“If we don’t let Ellen mumble, what makes you think you can do so, Nathan?” Mana raised an eyebrow at the glare he got for his actions.

Nathan pouted, no matter how much he denied it later. “I haven’t been in contact with her for over a year… So I’m worried she might do something… drastic when she hears I’m in Paris,”

“Drastic how?” I blinked, feeling a little confused and cautious.

“I… don’t want to think about it,” Nathan grimaced even as his face paled. He quickly stood up and headed for the bathroom. “I’ll take a shower and we can go out and get some breakfast crepes for you, Ellen,” He rushed and then slammed the door shut.

Mana and I blinked repeatedly and stared when Nathan opened the bathroom door open again sheepishly. He shuffled to his suitcase to retrieve his clothes then practically ran back to the bathroom, his face red in what I assumed to be embarrassment. Mana chuckled as he handed me a cup of tea. I accepted it, still feeling a bit bewildered at how unhinged Nathan was. He was normally very calm and collected, though he can be childish sometimes.

“Which dress do you want to wear today?” Mana inquired and I scowled.

“Can’t I just cross dress…?” I sighed, already knowing the answer.

“All of your male clothes are in the laundry,” Mana chirped happily as he moved towards the huge suitcases that contained all the dresses that were given to me by Aunt Eleanor and the girls from Haven’s House had given me. It had been a challenge trying to fit all the new clothes and my suits into the suitcase, but Mana had somehow managed it.

I… had never really worn dresses in my past life. I mean, sure I liked them and they were really pretty but I just never had the opportunity to wear them. Mostly because dresses were _expensive_ in the twenty-first century. Owning so many dresses in this time was just plain weird and having so many to choose from… Well, I was never really one for fashion so I didn’t really care what I wore so long as I didn’t look like some sort of fashion disaster.

“You can pick, Mana,” I said, feeling a bit amused. “You like picking what I wear anyway,”

“Well, you’re just so cute and you fit all your dresses so beautifully!” Mana cheered as he finally pulled out a white dress with sea green embroidery. This was one of the few short sleeved dresses I owned so Mana pulled out a pair of white gloves as well. I scowled at that. I hated wearing gloves. They felt too tight over my red arm because of the visible veins.

“Don’t pout, Ellen. It’s just for today. We’ll see about selling your short sleeve dresses for long sleeved ones later, okay?” Mana coaxed as he handed me the clothing and made to leave the bedroom. “I’ll be waiting in the lobby for the both of you,”

I smiled and waited until Mana left the room before dropping it. I hadn’t had much time alone to think since the night I played the violin with Nathan in Bruges. I held a fist to my heart, my thoughts in a state of chaos. I had actually _felt_ Nea that night. Felt his love for music and his presence within me. It was so… _strange_.

I had always known Nea was inside of me. But to have that sort of confirmation. To know now that it’s true, that it’s _real_ … It was so scary to think of. One day, Nea was going to awaken. There was no way he wouldn’t and I knew no matter how hard I tried, that it was almost futile to prevent it. Allen Walker may have been able to push Nea back several times but in the end…

As far as I remembered, Allen had lost control to Nea.

I sighed in frustration as I roughly stripped off my clothes to dress. There has to be _some way_ to stop Nea’s awakening. I didn’t want to lose this life I have with Nathan. I was actually _living_ now instead of just going through the motions. I had a family member that cared about me whole heartedly now and I didn’t want to lose that. This is _my_ life now and I don’t want Nea’s fucked up family history to get in the way of that.

And _Mana._

What am I supposed to do about Mana? He was clearly insane in the manga but… the Mana I know right now is just… He’s not _completely_ sane but at least he’s not like the Mana – the _Earl_ in the manga! I… I didn’t want anything to happen to Mana. He’s fine as he is now. A little air headed with a penchant for cute things and a habit of pinching my cheeks and calling me adorable. I may not care for him as much as I do Nathan but I don’t believe he _deserved_ to completely lose his head after his… death.

Will that even happen now? We were travelling through the entirety of Europe and I don’t think Allen and Mana did that. They must have stayed on the British Isle and Scotland. They had no reason to go through Europe. Sure there were carriages everywhere and death by the said vehicle was common. But Nathan normally kept a close eye on both of us, so I don’t think it would happen. I wasn’t even sure _when_ that incident would happen.

There wasn’t much I _could_ do or prepare for with my limited knowledge of what happened during this timeframe. All I could hope for was for things to _not_ go straight to hell with the changes I’ve already made.

“You ready to go, Ellen?”

Nathan’s voice jolted me out of my thoughts and I realized I had already dressed myself. My recently cut red hair fell just below my shoulders so I just let it be instead of styling it into anything. I looked towards the bathroom door to see Nathan looking at me, his eyes furrowed. I quickly put a smile on my face as I nodded and walked towards him. Nathan stared at me for a bit before kneeling down in front of me.

“Are you alright?” He asked, worry clouding his tone.

My smile faltered but I forced it back. “Yeah… Just thinking,”

“About what?” Nathan pressed and I felt my smile melt away. Nathan had never pushed me for an answer before and while I appreciated it, I didn’t know what I could tell him.

“Just… the future…” I gave, not knowing what else I could tell him without explaining everything. “Do you think we’ll all still be together? You, Mana and me?”

There was a pause and then Nathan raised a hand to ruffle my hair. “We can never know what the future may hold… But we can always hope and try for a good one,” He drew me into a quick hug. “Besides, thinking about the future means that we’re thinking about the _possibilities_ of something happening… We live in the present and should cherish that because the present is where our lives are right _now_ ,” Nathan pulled away and stood up, holding out a hand for me to take. “Like how Mana’s waiting for us downstairs so we can all go fill that bottomless pit of a stomach you have,”

I huffed at Nathan’s teasing, but smiled widely as we both walked out the room. The future… It can wait. I wanted to cherish and experience the time I have now.

* * *

 

It’s official. I am _in love_ with Paris. Or as Mana says, I was in love with Paris’s sweets.

I knew Nathan and Mana were openly showing their amusement with me but I didn’t care. I had a classic cheesecake, eclairs, cream puffs, macarons, and a cream caramel cake laid out on the table. I was currently happily eating a delicious mille crepe with strawberries. I could die right now and I would be content.

“You even had a full breakfast… Where _does_ all that food go?” Nathan laughed at me.

“Perhaps she just has a second stomach for sweets,” Mana chuckled.

I ignored my two companions and continued devouring the delicious desserts I had picked out. To be able to eat sweets in the beautiful city of Paris… Well, at least one of my former life’s goals have been fulfilled.

The quaint café we were in was a simple one with what I considered antique furniture and decorations. It was definitely a high class café and I briefly wondered where the hell Nathan kept his money. It wasn’t like paper money existed yet… I think. Or maybe it did considering the advanced technology. I should probably ask Nathan about it later. It would be a bad idea not knowing how currency works in this time.

Nathan continued talking to Mana, telling him about what we should visit in Paris since I said I wanted to explore it. The bit about the Eiffel tower bothered me because I _knew_ it wasn’t supposed to be completely built until 1889. From what Nathan says, it had been completed in 1979. It probably shouldn’t bother me much considering I was in a completely different world and there was no reason for the history I knew to align with what was happening now. But the problem was that it _did_ bother me. All the advanced technology for this time, all the differences… It was just a glaring reminder that this wasn’t just a simple reincarnation. That I was now in an unfinished manga plot.

I scowled around my spoon but quickly took another bite of the cheesecake I was now eating. It would do me no good to dwell on what I already knew to be truth. There was no way out of this world except dying and I liked living right now a little too much to contemplate it.

Turning my attention to the streets of Paris, I admired the ambience. Paris really was a beautiful city. There were people everywhere walking by almost aimlessly. Families taking walks towards the _Champ de Mars_ , couples enjoying the winter weather and people just enjoying the city they lived in. It was peaceful days like this that made living worth it.

I blinked when I spotted a little boy in rags entering an alleyway. Frowning, I tried to peer from my seat. We were sitting outside of the café so there were no window panes to block me. But I could see nothing more than just the dark alleyway the boy had entered. Turning back to my sweets, my frown deepened when I noticed the dress I was wearing.

Not everyone was fortunate enough to escape poverty. I was lucky I had met Nathan, who had enough money to buy me clothes and had friends that were wealthy enough to part with some. Even Mana, when we had first met him was wearing old clothes he had probably been wearing for a long time. Nathan had bought him new ones that fitted and suited him well and he no longer looked like an old man travelling as a clown, making just enough money to survive.

“Ellen, are you done?” Mana called me.

I looked up and noticed that Nathan was already paying the waiter and Mana had stood up and put on his coat. He was holding out my own coat for me with a curious expression. I gave him a small smile and took the coat from him, wondering when did I even finish my sweets.

“So, what do you want to see first? The Eiffel Tower is close,” Nathan mused as we walked out of the café.

“Could we just walk around?” I asked, wanting to explore the streets before going to see the main attractions. The little things about a city you’ve never been to were amazing to discover.

“I don’t see why not,” He grinned at me and took my left hand. Mana took my right and I pouted a bit. While the streets of the seventh arrondissement wasn’t packed, there were still a fair number of people, especially since we were so close to the Eiffel Tower. I really didn’t need to get lost in such a huge city.

I smiled slowly as I tightened my hold on their hands. I didn’t remember ever doing something like this with my parents in my past life. It was… nice. Walking down the streets between Nathan and Mana, looking around at the shops and admiring the scenery. It felt really good to be able to experience what a loved child could have. I felt Mana squeeze my hand and saw him pointing to a small shop nestled between another café and a boutique. I saw the display showing music boxes and smiled at the little tunes that came from them.

“These are really well crafted,” Nathan admired as we stopped to peer into the window.

“Would you like one, Ellen?” Mana asked looking at a music box in the corner. It looked really old but had a certain charm to it with all the lilies carved into it. “We could use it to store all your ribbons since you cut your hair… You won’t be using them for a while.”

“Could we?” I beamed, feeling excited. I’ve never had a music box before so I really did want one. The one Mana was eyeing was really pretty.

Mana looked at Nathan who shrugged with a smile. “Of course, it’ll be nice to listen to something without one of us playing as well.” He tugged me into the shop. “Let’s see what they have…”

“How about the one in the window? The one with lilies on it?” I badgered and pointed to said box.

“Don’t you want to see the rest first? We don’t even know what tune it’ll sing.” Mana coaxed though he was smiling indulgently at me.

I felt a surge of quick annoyance, but forced it back. “Can we look at that one first then?”

I blinked confused right after. Why was I so quick to annoy? It was reasonable to look at what the store had before buying it. I felt Mana nudge me inside and I let the thought go. I was probably just impatient to buy the box.

I gaped in awe at the piles of music boxes neatly arranged on the shelves and display counters. There were so many in different shapes and sizes. So many different colours and carvings and embossing. I didn’t think I could see one that was exactly similar to the other. Each and every one was unique. The counter was empty so Nathan went to pick up the bell and shook it.

A clear ringing sounded and we heard a shriek of a door opening. An old man entered, brown eyes kindly looking over us. He gave a smile that made his eyes crinkle close and seemed to brighten his old visage.

 _“Welcome to my little shop. What can I do for you?”_ The old man questioned in French.

 _“I’d like to purchase a music box for my little sister,”_ Nathan told with a gesture towards me. _“Preferably something we can use as storage for her ribbons and little trinkets as well.”_

The old man gazed at me for a while before nodding and muttering to himself. _“Do you want to see anything particular?”_

 _“Um, the one in the window, with lilies carved on it?”_ I chimed in before Nathan could. I gave the old man a wide smile. _“It looked really pretty!”_

The old man gave a delighted laugh _“Why thank you, pretty little lady! That one is one of my own creations. I do hope you’ll enjoy the little tune as well!”_

Mana and I moved away as the older man approached to open the small door that opened to the little window display at the front. He reached in and took out the music box Mana and I were eyeing and gave it to me with a smile. Eagerly, I marvelled at the smooth carvings and texture of the wood. The lilies were so detailed for a carving and I admired the skills the old man had to be able to carve such art into wood.

 _“I made that when I was still young, probably as old as your father!”_ The old man chortled and nodded towards Mana.

Mana startled and I blinked in surprise. Simultaneously, Mana and I looked at each other before turning back and rather embarrassingly tried to deny the claim. Nathan laughed at us before explaining that Mana wasn’t their father but a friend travelling with them. He still looked amused at the old man thoughts even as he ushered me to open the music box.

Pushing down the mortified blush I probably had and ignoring the warmth that had spread all of a sudden, I slowly opened the lid.

The soft tune that came out was a little stuttered but soon flowed fluidly to _Nocturnes Op. 9, No. 2._ I hummed along with the tune but soon stopped. I frowned a little, not sure why I didn’t really like the song coming out of the box.

 _“Is it not to your liking, little lady?”_ The old man sighed sadly.

 _“It’s… really pretty… I like the song but…”_ I trailed off, not sure how I was going to say I felt… _empty_ at listening to the soft tune.

Mana squeezed my shoulders and Nathan smiled at me softly. “Why don’t we try a few more boxes? Maybe we’ll find one you’ll like.”

I nodded and smiled hesitantly at Nathan. I felt a little bad at delaying something but I wanted to buy just _one_ music box. But something in me wouldn’t just accept _any_ music box. I wondered if it had anything to do with Nea, but that just wasn’t possible. Why would Nea want a music box for? Why would he even want to interfere in my decisions concerning a music box.

We probably stayed in the shop for an hour or so, testing out different music boxes. But none of them really connected with what I wanted. The old man was excited and Nathan and Mana were being very understanding though very confused. I was never one to be very picky about things so this was new even to me. I bit my lip after the last one played _Friede auf Erden_ and was contemplating just giving up on finding a music box.

The old man hummed and eyed me speculatively. _“You’re a tough one, little lady.”_

I winced. _“I’m sorry…”_

 _“No, no! Don’t apologize!”_ He chortled. _“It’s very interesting! In fact… Something like this happened to my father as well.”_

I blinked curiously at that. The old man smiled enigmatically and moved towards the door he had come from. Mana had sat down on the offered chair after the first 15 minutes, though Nathan was leaning against the counter.

“What is it that you’re looking for, Ellen?” Nathan asked in English.

I frowned at his question and shrugged. Mana tapped my shoulders in admonishment and I pouted at him. “I don’t know… I just… the songs just… didn’t feel right?” I ended in question, because I had absolutely no idea why I couldn’t just choose a box.

The old man came back out carrying a deep purple cloth covered box. Slowly, he approached me and kneeled down in front of me. _“When I was a little boy,”_ He started. _“My father met a young man that wanted to buy a music box for his daughter. But none of the music boxes my father had made suited what the man wanted. So he went back and brought out a music box my grandfather had created just before his death. The tune in the box was very sad. My father described it as a tune meant for those who have lost much but have picked themselves back up,_

 _“The man was astonished at the tune and cradled the box like it was the most precious jewel in the world. He had tears in his eyes as he paid and left with the box in hand.”_ The old man continued. _“Years later when my father was old, the man came back with papers in his hands. Scores for a music box. He commissioned my father to make a music box with daffodils a certain phrase carved into it. But he did not want to take it. He said to my father ‘Give the box to someone who will recognize the song’ and with a hefty payment, he left with a smile on his face._

The old man gave me a truly happy smile. _“My father completed this music box just before his own death, telling me to give this to the right person. And I believe, my little lady, that this person is you.”_ He happily gave me the clothed covered box.

Nathan and Mana curiously kneeled beside me as I slowly uncovered the box. My breath caught in my throat when I laid eyes on the masterpiece in my hands. Daffodils, painstakingly carved into the wood. The paint had long since faded but the light tint of colour gave the carvings more depth, more _life_. I admired the carvings and delicately traced them with my fingers, unable to comprehend that this piece of art was made by human hands.

“Open it, my little girl,” Mana whispered encouragingly, his hands squeezing my shoulders.

Slowly, because I didn’t want to damage the old piece of art, I opened the lid.

And promptly froze at the tune that flowed beautifully from the box.

I felt my jaw drop as I stared in disbelief at the box. How could anyone know this song? There was no way it could have been created in this timeline. Especially not in this time. I recognized this song. This song that I loved listening to since I first heard it in a _bloody game_. There was no way I could be wrong about it. This was…

This was _Aerith’s Theme_.

“Um,” I panicked, my mind suddenly flashing back to when I had first realized I had been reincarnated. “W _-Where did that man learn this song?!”_ I questioned urgently.

The old man watched me worriedly. _“I don’t know, little lady. My father never asked and he never said…”_

“Ellen…?” Nathan called, his hand caressing my cheeks and I could feel Mana worriedly hovering beside me. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

I shook my head and turned back to the music box that had stopped playing. It was then that I noticed the words carved carefully into the inside of the lid. My breath stopped.

**‘Death is not the end. Everything will be okay.’**

I gulped and my body shook in shock. I could barely hear Mana and Nathan calling for me, my mind too caught up in the implications of those words.

 _I wasn’t the only one to have been reincarnated in this world_.


End file.
